[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Contradicted Me || part 25dots

    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 303/230/267
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 924
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1122


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsContradicted Me || part 25dots

    Is it the wearing knot hooked at her neck
    that treads flaccid arteries
    and tugs at the thread?

    or is it I?

    With these frigid hands
    and reciprocated reprimands
    that round her neck with a threat
    rather than the hankering caress
    she once, long ago, had bid

    I have reason to think she had always known
    by the constant wake of conflict, her authority was what I
    never really would warm with a welcome
    because just as her embrace
    I'd find myself taken

    To mirror the fact,
    that rather than to herself,
    she belong to me

    Now she,
    as terribly ironic as it was,
    with frigid hands and reciprocated reprimands
    takes the needle, penetrates said set remands

    Somehow, and this was beyond me,
    she wove the brick wall into the sand
    That of my own beach

    So, as I sink
    and as she hang, dangling overhead
    with the dampening atmosphere
    Just as our love; ultimately unrequited
    and still.

    Submitted on 2015-08-17 11:27:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is actually fairly interesting in how it is worded. The only drawback for me are the awkward verb tenses.

    To mirror the fact,
    that rather than to herself,
    she belonged to me

    You even offer up a time transitory at the beginning of the next strophe.

    So, as I sink
    and as she hangs, dangling overhead


    So, as I sank
    and as she hanged, dangling overhead
    [the atmosphere dampened
    as did our love; unrequited
    and ultimately still.]

    Don't take much of what I said as harsh criticism. It really isn't meant that way. I see value in what you've written. I just think you could pull a lot more from this if you refined it.

    I mean death, being hanged, etc., is generally an awkward topic to work with given its already well established galore of connotations. But I think you offer a glum perspective on the static and dry inexchange of unrequited love, which is something I like a lot.

    | Posted on 2015-08-24 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    ME written by jjd
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Incubus written by monad
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    This written by Chelebel
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Genesis written by saartha
    Legends written by poetotoe
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]