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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Contradicted Me || part 25dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 303/230/267
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 924
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1122



    Description:
       


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    dotsContradicted Me || part 25dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Is it the wearing knot hooked at her neck
    that treads flaccid arteries
    and tugs at the thread?

    or is it I?

    With these frigid hands
    and reciprocated reprimands
    that round her neck with a threat
    rather than the hankering caress
    she once, long ago, had bid

    I have reason to think she had always known
    by the constant wake of conflict, her authority was what I
    never really would warm with a welcome
    because just as her embrace
    I'd find myself taken

    To mirror the fact,
    that rather than to herself,
    she belong to me

    Now she,
    as terribly ironic as it was,
    with frigid hands and reciprocated reprimands
    takes the needle, penetrates said set remands

    Somehow, and this was beyond me,
    she wove the brick wall into the sand
    That of my own beach

    So, as I sink
    and as she hang, dangling overhead
    with the dampening atmosphere
    Just as our love; ultimately unrequited
    and still.




    Submitted on 2015-08-17 11:27:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is actually fairly interesting in how it is worded. The only drawback for me are the awkward verb tenses.

    To mirror the fact,
    that rather than to herself,
    she belonged to me

    You even offer up a time transitory at the beginning of the next strophe.

    So, as I sink
    and as she hangs, dangling overhead

    or

    So, as I sank
    and as she hanged, dangling overhead
    [the atmosphere dampened
    as did our love; unrequited
    and ultimately still.]

    Don't take much of what I said as harsh criticism. It really isn't meant that way. I see value in what you've written. I just think you could pull a lot more from this if you refined it.

    I mean death, being hanged, etc., is generally an awkward topic to work with given its already well established galore of connotations. But I think you offer a glum perspective on the static and dry inexchange of unrequited love, which is something I like a lot.

    Marc
    | Posted on 2015-08-24 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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