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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Wolfwatching
    ASL Info:    28/Male/Ireland
    Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 94/129/108
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 777
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 549



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She wore a black jumper,
    Like us all.
    Every day I stayed at home
    Or mitched around in fields,
    She wasn't in on the joke
    There were certain things I was losing
    Sitting on a wall in the rain.
    But I was always longing for something half-said

    And we just got to talk now and again in our uniforms.
    Sometimes when there's nothing else to remember,
    It's a conversation we had out on the tennis court
    Or her standing still at the top of the stairs.




    Submitted on 2015-08-22 16:10:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is excellent Craig.

    If it's a poem about half said stuff then let me say how much i liked the word mitched and the way, the easy way you have set this up....

    things i was losing sitting on a wall

    and the movement of walking away with another girl
    could of even caused them pain....

    and then there's that excellent last line.

    I just think it's very simple but really speaks to someone who can make a sacrifice and have a high appreciation, and hey, he might not be the hero but youve got to love that guy.

    I like the kind of geeky/cliché remembrances of the second strophe because it is another example of you flexing your muscles (of confidence) and under reaching...

    and why wouldn't you

    you know the poem really builds to where you're standing around in your uniforms..... when there's nothing else to remember/ I'll remember that. It's a neat way of putting it and i like the r sounds and the o sounds really putting a pin on it how you werent asked for.
    our uniforms.
    remember.

    Those sounds really go together

    I love the PE hall bit because it's nostalgic
    but also because of the movement /like you can imagine a bunch of people and how that could evoke a lot of memories but whats special is the contrast

    For some reason in the second to last line i get a picture of her being static and defensive, maybe standing there holding a clipboard, and inaccessible

    but in that last line you just get the very personal scuffing of the feet, the play, and the breathing
    as if this not not talking is finally conversation...

    I also like that it brings the guy face to face with his chance.
    So much (human) possibility, like the arrow never released
    or how tension becomes the story.

    I think, throughout, this is excellent poetry.
    | Posted on 2015-09-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is well said. I always love a good story like this. How sweet you must have been on her. Wanting something half said. So willing to sacrifice all you had. Precious.
    | Posted on 2015-08-24 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Once in a while a certain girl really gets you. And no, one never seems to forget. Bonus? Yea!
    | Posted on 2015-08-23 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


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