Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Wolfwatching
    ASL Info:    28/Male/Ireland
    Elite Ratio:    7.67 - 96/136/118
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1468
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 549



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She wore a black jumper,
    Like us all.
    Every day I stayed at home
    Or mitched around in fields,
    She wasn't in on the joke
    There were certain things I was losing
    Sitting on a wall in the rain.
    But I was always longing for something half-said

    And we just got to talk now and again in our uniforms.
    Sometimes when there's nothing else to remember,
    It's a conversation we had out on the tennis court
    Or her standing still at the top of the stairs.




    Submitted on 2015-08-22 16:10:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is excellent Craig.

    If it's a poem about half said stuff then let me say how much i liked the word mitched and the way, the easy way you have set this up....

    things i was losing sitting on a wall

    and the movement of walking away with another girl
    could of even caused them pain....

    and then there's that excellent last line.

    I just think it's very simple but really speaks to someone who can make a sacrifice and have a high appreciation, and hey, he might not be the hero but youve got to love that guy.

    I like the kind of geeky/cliché remembrances of the second strophe because it is another example of you flexing your muscles (of confidence) and under reaching...

    and why wouldn't you

    you know the poem really builds to where you're standing around in your uniforms..... when there's nothing else to remember/ I'll remember that. It's a neat way of putting it and i like the r sounds and the o sounds really putting a pin on it how you werent asked for.
    our uniforms.
    remember.

    Those sounds really go together

    I love the PE hall bit because it's nostalgic
    but also because of the movement /like you can imagine a bunch of people and how that could evoke a lot of memories but whats special is the contrast

    For some reason in the second to last line i get a picture of her being static and defensive, maybe standing there holding a clipboard, and inaccessible

    but in that last line you just get the very personal scuffing of the feet, the play, and the breathing
    as if this not not talking is finally conversation...

    I also like that it brings the guy face to face with his chance.
    So much (human) possibility, like the arrow never released
    or how tension becomes the story.

    I think, throughout, this is excellent poetry.
    | Posted on 2015-09-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is well said. I always love a good story like this. How sweet you must have been on her. Wanting something half said. So willing to sacrifice all you had. Precious.
    | Posted on 2015-08-24 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Once in a while a certain girl really gets you. And no, one never seems to forget. Bonus? Yea!
    | Posted on 2015-08-23 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200572

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Repetition written by Daniel Barlow
    Something Spoken written by Daniel Barlow
    Still written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Inate written by MyPeriodical
    Sun-meeting written by Daniel Barlow
    Position written by Daniel Barlow
    Things become tangled written by Daniel Barlow
    Sweet You written by Daniel Barlow
    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Reveled Night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sólo por pensar asi written by MyPeriodical
    Variety written by saartha
    Forgetting You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    motivations, eclectic. written by Daniel Barlow
    a given written by Daniel Barlow
    Beloved written by Daniel Barlow
    Hurt written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Forms and girders written by Daniel Barlow
    like any good spartan written by Daniel Barlow
    Glyph written by Daniel Barlow
    Terrified part three written by MyPeriodical
    Exult written by saartha
    Starry night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Orange written by saartha
    At The Bottom written by MyPeriodical
    Ahem written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled#1 written by Daniel Barlow
    Luchinushka written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Within a structure written by Daniel Barlow
    Rough written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry