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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Great Expectationsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 566



    Description:
       


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    dotsGreat Expectationsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    it’s over then, this thing between us
    less than an expanse of your palm
    across
    my own, how brief it all had been,
    how bitter-sweet, not even
    candle-lit
    dinners there, or moonlight walks,
    or would-be holidays once upon
    an Atlantic, but rather --
    a car crash for a stolen kiss, your eyes
    in dusk in earnest, the taste
    of sun-kissed skin. It doesn’t matter --
    The tale of how cities fell
    under the weight
    of high demands &
    greater expectations.




    Submitted on 2015-08-23 14:14:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm going to be honest. There are parts I like about this, but I have some problems with it overall. Thematically, I feel like this is conveying the end of a relationship as if it were a fallen city. As far as that goes for an idea, I only mildly interested in it, given how the poem is quite brief, and I don't feel it achieves the contrast gracefully. The sensual lines of the poem are the best thing about it:

    "a car crash for a stolen kiss, your eyes
    in dusk in earnest, the taste
    of sun-kissed skin. It doesn’t matter --"

    These lines are captivating and overall led to me enjoying your writing in spite of the difficulties I have with it. The end kind of hits me out of nowhere, and doesn't differentiate itself enough from the title.

    That said the opening is really strong with some great lines and visual imagery, we really feel time pass in parts like:

    "how bitter-sweet, not even
    candle-lit
    dinners there, or moonlight walks,
    or would-be holidays once upon
    an Atlantic"

    I mean I really feel this poem captures the disintegration of a relationship very well, I empathise with it and it moves me.

    I think this would be improved either if you scrapped the fallen metaphor, or took a little bit of time to build it up more.

    In any-case, your writing strikes me as good, and the parts that worked which are to be honest the majority of the poem, really worked on me.

    I'm not critiquing this off my high horse, my own poetry is not perfect either.
    | Posted on 2015-08-27 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]


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