[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: LIGHT & HEATdots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 488
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1222

       This is only my 2nd poem that I've written in 3 years! OY VEH!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLIGHT & HEATdots

    It’s quite odd

    Usually it’s the sharp light of morning
    That slices through the hoary blades and
    Peels my eyelids back to reclaim
    My body from the night

    For years it’s been the Moon
    And I -
    Sunk deep into the tar forest floor
    As so many wildflowers
    That lure the
    To the teat of their blossom

    The Empress allures the ocean

    Back and
    Over and
    The sea kneads upon itself

    Slowly she skins the scorched shore
    And licks its salty stratum -

    But the moon has now faded and
    The sky is washed by dawn

    And here you lie
    And pressed against me

    The moments
    The days
    The months
    The years of hope have fruited -

    And so the light of day
    Gives way to the warmth of your breath
    That dews upon my mouth like the first honey
    That dripped from the lips of the newly formed Eve

    That nestled in the womb of God

    Submitted on 2015-08-27 12:21:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      And here you are
    And pressed against me

    This has such strong and moving imagery. And I love the word choices throughout this piece. Lithe especially. It feels very sensual; very intimate. I can feel the sun stretching out, caressing her lover's skin! I love the bit about the erect wildflowers as well. And this:

    Slowly she skins the scorched shore
    And licks its salty stratum

    I love the juxtaposition of the sun and the moon and how it seems a fresh perspective somehow.

    My one (quite bold and presumptuous, I admit) suggestion? Try at least reading the poem without this whole section:

    "That brief awkward moment of each day
    Where the world is cast into limbo wondering
    If that ancient orange sphere would appear
    And nurture once again

    That with which God hath set forth shall pass"

    I feel like it is unneeded. Like it distracts from the “action” and gives way to commentary. The poem seems to me, more poetic without these lines.

    I hope this does not offend you. I LOVE this piece! I just think it may be stronger without that part.

    I have a piece I am working on that seems to have gotten a bit out of hand that I would love your input on. I invite you to dissect it and find ways to help me salvage anything you think might be worth salvaging.

    It is my first in quite a long time as well.

    But back to you. This was worth the wait. Well done!



    | Posted on 2015-08-31 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      There is so much about this I love. Your personification of the shore- salty scrotum, that was amazing. What a perfect description. The contrast from morning to night is gorgeous, you truly capture the beauty and divinity of life, the imagery is breath taking. And throughout this beautiful display of nature you bring a really honest voice, what is the word...it is just blunt, yet I have never seen such bluntness with such art for word choice. High praises on this it is definitely the best I have read in awhile for having so much talent behind it and so much of what I am personally drawn to.
    | Posted on 2015-08-29 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Shi written by ShyOne
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Carry written by saartha
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Love written by saartha
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    The World written by jjd
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]