Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: LIGHT & HEATdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 472
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1222



    Description:
       This is only my 2nd poem that I've written in 3 years! OY VEH!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLIGHT & HEATdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It’s quite odd

    Usually it’s the sharp light of morning
    That slices through the hoary blades and
    Peels my eyelids back to reclaim
    My body from the night

    For years it’s been the Moon
    And I -
    Sunk deep into the tar forest floor
    As so many wildflowers
    That lure the
    Hummingbirds
    And
    Honeybees
    To the teat of their blossom

    The Empress allures the ocean

    Back and
    Forth
    And
    Over and
    Under
    The sea kneads upon itself

    Slowly she skins the scorched shore
    And licks its salty stratum -

    But the moon has now faded and
    The sky is washed by dawn

    And here you lie
    Lithe
    And
    Iridescent
    And pressed against me

    The moments
    The days
    The months
    The years of hope have fruited -

    And so the light of day
    Gives way to the warmth of your breath
    That dews upon my mouth like the first honey
    That dripped from the lips of the newly formed Eve

    That nestled in the womb of God




    Submitted on 2015-08-27 12:21:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      And here you are
    Lithe
    And
    Iridescent
    And pressed against me

    This has such strong and moving imagery. And I love the word choices throughout this piece. Lithe especially. It feels very sensual; very intimate. I can feel the sun stretching out, caressing her lover's skin! I love the bit about the erect wildflowers as well. And this:

    Slowly she skins the scorched shore
    And licks its salty stratum

    I love the juxtaposition of the sun and the moon and how it seems a fresh perspective somehow.

    My one (quite bold and presumptuous, I admit) suggestion? Try at least reading the poem without this whole section:

    "That brief awkward moment of each day
    Where the world is cast into limbo wondering
    If that ancient orange sphere would appear
    And nurture once again

    That with which God hath set forth shall pass"

    I feel like it is unneeded. Like it distracts from the “action” and gives way to commentary. The poem seems to me, more poetic without these lines.

    I hope this does not offend you. I LOVE this piece! I just think it may be stronger without that part.

    I have a piece I am working on that seems to have gotten a bit out of hand that I would love your input on. I invite you to dissect it and find ways to help me salvage anything you think might be worth salvaging.

    It is my first in quite a long time as well.

    But back to you. This was worth the wait. Well done!

    Cheers!

    Jane

    | Posted on 2015-08-31 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      There is so much about this I love. Your personification of the shore- salty scrotum, that was amazing. What a perfect description. The contrast from morning to night is gorgeous, you truly capture the beauty and divinity of life, the imagery is breath taking. And throughout this beautiful display of nature you bring a really honest voice, what is the word...it is just blunt, yet I have never seen such bluntness with such art for word choice. High praises on this it is definitely the best I have read in awhile for having so much talent behind it and so much of what I am personally drawn to.
    | Posted on 2015-08-29 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200597

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry