Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Downgradeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 540
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 576



    Description:
       As it stands, this is a bit too rhymey for my taste. I need some advice. I have not written in a very long time, but felt that familiar pull tonight. Criticism is welcome, but be gentle, at least to start.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDowngradeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Just like so many tropical storms
    who threaten to twist and turn
    mark and maim
    this woman is
    no hurricane

    she is soft and damp with some few leaves
    skittering here and there
    spiraling but to no affair

    Not even a heavy rain
    not even one turned train
    no tidal waves
    no mass graves

    Not a single human death

    Oh, how you disappoint
    Oh, how you leave us so unmoved

    We cry out for spectacle
    and find only a lonely girl




    Submitted on 2015-08-31 00:19:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, constructive criticism. I don't like the title, I feel like it is not in line with what the poem is conveying to me at least. The strengths of the writing are actually the rhyme and the vast ground covered within, throughout we see this person expected to rage and burn brightly, to be up on a pedestal, or terrible to behold in her power. The poem resolves this bluster beautifully, with a very strong ending, where she is seen more truthfully. To call that a downgrade however, to me is too negative and ultimately does not attack people's perception or expectation of her, it kind of sides with the spectators more than the subject. Kind of like if you called someone "degraded", rather than question someone else's behavior as "degrading". You are in effect saying she has been downgraded to nothing but a lonely girl, but that is where the reader should be empathising rather than feeling superior. So, for those reasons I think you could reconsider the title.

    As for the rhymes I have no problem with most of them and in fact found them to be effective. There's not many that seem strained and they simply add to the poem without overstating themselves by being clever, rather they just accentuate the movement of the poem.

    I agree with Daniel Barlow about these two being questionable:

    spiraling but to no affair

    Not even a heavy rain

    But they are phrased so strangely that they interest me, like he says, consider changing these or the lines around them, but try not to lose anything, the rhyme of "affair" could be a key to unlocking the poem, turning train however, is awkward to me, but that's because I've never heard that phrase before as a colloquialism, but that's just me, if it;s something you want to go with, go with it.

    "no tidal waves
    no mass graves"

    I love these two, they actually provide the poem with colour, as if the graves were underwater, even though they aren't there, you;re still conveying a lot in six words, it builds up with the natural disaster imagery of the hurricane set up earlier.

    Can I ask why you have used little punctuation? It's not a negative to the poem, it makes it feel uncontained to me, more wild, but if you don;t mind I;d like to know as a writer why you chose to do it this way. I have issues with my own punctuation where sometimes I use it and sometimes I don;t, and sometimes I use it badly. So I'm interested in your choice here.

    To be honest, I like this poem, I don't think it needs much tampering with. I think if you made the title more to do with the woman/girl, even if you called it lonely girl, or woman, it would have more unity overall, that or something referring to the climate events described.

    If your not sure about this because of it being overly rhymey, maybe you should continue with things like this until you are comfortable. A simple rhyme can feel transgressive in this day and age, with modern poetry seen as having nothing to do with rhyme, but it's good to go against the tide, I do think it's turning back myself.

    Strong start, strong ending and plenty of movement in between. It's a good read.
    | Posted on 2015-08-31 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]
      all the potential
    glorious rage
    dimples the fabric
    of a plain white page

    if there were a flood
    or uncommon disaster
    it may jolt us awake
    or it may not even matter

    Just some thoughts on your thoughts.
    | Posted on 2015-08-31 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually thought this was full of the goods, JanePlane.

    I feel the opening is compelling & full of awesomeness,
    but i do think you could turn away from the rhyme @ spiralling....


    spiralling, of no account.



    Return to it thereafter.

    The four lines that follow: line 2 seems a little off or under put or something, but i'd encourage working on those verses rather than easily throwing them away.



    Rhyme is rhyme, rhythm is rhythm, i suggest
    Saying... 'not even a single human death' which, i don't know, i think it makes it mere and therefore strident.

    Then you could put

    So
    Unmoved

    in their own lines which is a shout back/out to that mere thing and really helps control the pace, land on a point and counteract/control the rhyme thing.

    The poem is really good, like you're the author, you created it, but i can read it how i want- and the poem is really there, just needs a little thought on it, and that's great, you gotta love to write. :)

    Nice to see you.
    | Posted on 2015-08-31 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200604

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Mystery Read written by kyserin

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry