Words Like Butterflies by melancholystar

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Submission Name: Words Like Butterflies dots

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Author:	melancholystar
ASL Info:	17/f/tx
Elite Ratio:	4.53 - 598/302/32
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Poetry/Angry
Total Views:	391
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	422

Description:
This came to me while I was in the shower... no idea why.. hehe.. Sometimes poems just pop out of my head. So I wrote it pretty quickly and had my new friend, Bruno, read it... and he made up the clay line. Brilliant! :D Much appreciated. As for the rest of you.. please post your comments criticism and thoughts! As always.. I greatly appreciate it!

Words Like Butterflies dots

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Threads of broken promises,
Is all you are to me,
Broken knots of lies,
Of how we were meant to be.

You tell me you love me,
Your words crumble like clay,
Say let’s get married,
Then snatch it all away.

Your words are like butterflies,
Ever changing their shape,
I’m finally done with all of you,
I’m now going to escape.

Submitted on 2004-08-06 00:28:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hmm... the butterfly is quite the commonly used sign of change throughout the world, so the choice here is pretty obvious. i'd hate to say that, but it's true. it's good, but it's been done. still worth reading though. i'd recommend it.
| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by hybridmagnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  hey, sorry i took so long to comment on this. i would comment on your latest work, but... i just can't read it. i know how it feels, and i can't find the strength to finish it. sorry.
this work is good. the butterfly... such a hauntingly beautiful creature. they are a sign of change to me. they linger in my dreams, are there when i close my eyes... nice choice of character.
congrats, you've found your way to my fav list
again
| Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by hybridmagnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay I caught some flack for my comment here so let me reiterate and try to make myself clear. Especially since I noticed the section I am referring to on this site is a little hard to find.
Here it is:

The average submission.

Usually by teens up to 17 or 18- Freeverse first person poetry either picking an abstract concept like love, hate, death, and pain or directly talking to some entity they have emotional conflict(usually a person they had a friendly, or intimate relationship with that changed in some way) with about breaking up, missing them, hating them, or asking why they did 'that'. They spoon feed the reader their emotions. "I'm hurting inside". If any type of rhetoric is used, it's clichés, rhetorical questions, and bad metaphors. (e.x. My brain is on acid. Life is like a dream. I could never live without you. I'm missing you. I'll pray for you. Please come back. You're as cold as winter. etc.). There is plenty of ways of saying "I'm hurting inside" besides directly saying it. It's like just saying 'life sucks'. Try to make the writing personal and justify your emotions through parable or example. There's nothing poetic about saying proverbs. The person's personality should be felt through the words of the writing. Cliches are not about the theme, it's about putting commonly used topics in words not overly used. Abstractly structuring a writing in a witty way has much more impact and can establish a stronger connection with the reader. Taking good time to write your thoughts, revise and structure, and abstract them makes the writing part of you, and that's what readers want to see. Some don't have the consideration enough to take time on their writing before they throw them out for people to choke on. Read some classics, read some more, read amateur posts; compare and conquer. The first draft is not the final! Revise and edit!

P.S. I have found 2 of the best poets on this site to be your age... wordsofmind and Astarael
these guys write amazing stuff so just reading it will help you write.

Good luck in any case, I hope that the fact that I took the time to come back here and do this is proof that I'm not intererested in insulting you.

peace,
fizzle
| Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  HEHEHEHE YAY! I just read the description, I usually read it after the poem. Awww "my new friend Bruno" ...those words shall remain with me. Thanks a bunch girl..

Bruno
| Posted on 2004-08-18 00:00:00 | by brunov68 | [ Reply to This ]
  hehehe Yay! I feel special I helped you with this one a little, I remember when you wrote it. Its as nice now as it was then.. good write and you did it soooo quickly too! You talented girl you hehehe

Bruno
| Posted on 2004-08-18 00:00:00 | by brunov68 | [ Reply to This ]
  I dont think this is an average poem. It is some venting expressed in an original form. That is what all art is about when you boil it down to the bare bones...a release of built up energy that isnt truly appreciated until the source is diminished.

And her you have found a source of escape. I too come up with things while in the shower or in the car. I think we should carry around some of those little dictating tape recorder things, cuz I always think of cool stuff and say, "OOOOOO good one, remember that." But I never do...damn short term memory loss, HA! Thanks for the good write.
| Posted on 2004-08-06 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  Theres a section on this site called "average poem submission". It describes what the average poem subitted to this site looks like. After reading it you kind of get the impression like you don't really want to be lumped into that category. You should read it sometime.
| Posted on 2004-08-06 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]

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