A Distant Surface by lucianraven

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: A Distant Surface dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	lucianraven
ASL Info:	21/M/Spfld Il
Elite Ratio:	3.46 - 49/67/19
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Deep Thought/Depressed
Total Views:	662
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	725

Description:
Spent some time in the ocean of my mind today. Just sort of rolled off the mind, let me know what you think I suppose.

A Distant Surface dots

-------------------------------------------

Above me, beyond my reach but within my sight
A surface of dappled water, salt sea spray and warm sunlight
My breath sustains me, my lungs full
Yet bubbles escape my lips and trickle upward
Weights adorn me, keeping me below
They are self-doubt, they are sorrow, and there are others
Powerful legs kick towards the surface
And keep me from the bottom
Sand swirls below from the motion of my feet
My lungs burn
My outstretched hand has yet to breach the waves
My breath is spent
I fall, back towards the bottom
I breathe deeply of my warmer memories, of my stronger thoughts
My lungs renewed, I try again for a distant surface

Submitted on 2015-09-20 15:54:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like the imagery, and I like the pushing of boundaries. Burning lungs, endurance challenges, good things to be thinking about and experiencing. Actually the entire piece is an experience and it is nice to be able to read something, lose myself in it, feel like I've digested a nice piece.
| Posted on 2015-09-22 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the concept of self doubt and sorrow being your weights to drag you down. The work felt like sadness and a glimmer of hope. That as you search yourself for hope and the memories of your past that have got you to where you are today, you can draw on them to find inner strength so as to reach down deep and try again for the surface. Great concept and a neat way to convey your idea.

| Posted on 2015-09-21 00:00:00 | by Soulraven | [ Reply to This ]
  Honestly, I think it is a procedural mistake for poets to dream up a sublime picture and then try to word it out. Every word will always stand a pale comparison, and a poem (like a person) without confidence built-in will read as such. Admittedly, certain poems take a sense of their own, despite their author, and reach heights on their own. But how high can they ever truly dream to go without at the very least a solid foundation to work with?

And enough of the endless tangent. The one aspect I found interesting about this poem were the last couple of lines. This idea that our conscious existence (as defined through memories and emotions) is where we draw our lifelines from, rather than just the tangible. It is true, in almost every sense, that there is nothing new about that idea (I mean this is the embodiment of almost every rebound in any movie nowadays "Ho? I am sad. I fall. Ho? But what about this and that? I must endure."). But poetry has never been an exercise of new ideas, but rather ideas newly written.

Those are just thoughts though. Just thoughts.
| Posted on 2015-09-20 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

200681

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
It's Night Now written by RisingSon
I will call out your name written by RisingSon
Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
Whiteout written by layDsayD
Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
Summer written by layDsayD
A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
Wish written by Daniel Barlow
4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
Break Up written by WriteSomething
Song written by Daniel Barlow
Trails written by Daniel Barlow
One Thing written by Wolfwatching
Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
Wavelength written by saartha
untitled written by Chelebel
Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
Giving written by jjd
Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.