A deep and profound betrayal of everything I have struggled with. Mein Kampf is over. I am left gasping on the beach as the waves subside behind me. I long to be back in the surf struggling with the undertow but here I am on the white sand in the sunshine under a cool breeze.
A fair breeze perhaps. Perhaps I should grab the tiller and set my course. But where to go and what to do, I don't know. Everything has changed. Perhaps I should take my time and look around me - but hey, that's scary and a sign that something is being born - what it is, what it will be, I don't know. I am like a playful puppy with lots of energy spilling out all over the place, and that's a bit scary.
I can only let the creature be born, in the same way we let an orgasm be born - in some ways it occurs outside our conscious volition, then there it is, gasping like a new born baby in their mother's arms.
But how I long to know what I will feel, what I will do, and what I will become. But it is hidden from me. Rather it is hiding, letting itself be felt but not seen - how frustrating. I can only stand, dumb and waiting, while it gathers strength and looks around and decided what to do.
Welcome, welcome, the unknown who knows me but remains unknown, slowly revealing itself moment by nerve racking moment, as it builds pixel by pixel. How keen I am to see how it developes.