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    dots Submission Name: Shadow Writerdots

    Author: jaycee
    ASL Info:    44/F/ Texas
    Elite Ratio:    5.27 - 2626/1259/187
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 697
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 526


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadow Writerdots

    Shadows have driven joy askew--
    no light and laughter to be found.
    His soul doth wade through Hades fire,
    passions' heat driven to ground.

    Beauty is now in morbid visage
    seen through dark soul veil.
    Her sounds are no longer pants of ecstasy;
    now death's whispered moans or wales.

    His sun has set behind dark clouds,
    yet, his eyes with fervor burn;
    his gnarled hands drip virulent ink
    as she awaits his spring's return.

    Submitted on 2015-10-13 11:12:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really love the darkness that seeps from your words. This is very inspirational to me. Nicely penned :)
    | Posted on 2016-02-04 00:00:00 | by ShadowParadox | [ Reply to This ]
      Reminds me of the Godsmack song Inside Yourself.
    | Posted on 2016-01-18 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly, this poem is not really to my taste, but bearing that in mind there are still a few issues I have with it that I don't think come from bias. My main problem with it is a lack of expansion. For a poem that is willing to descend into the depths of Hades, the poem is pretty scant on imagery and elaboration.

    "Beauty is now in morbid visage
    seen through dark soul veil."

    This is what I would imagine would make a great theme for the poem, but you kind of want the reader to do the work for you. Do you want me to see my ideas of beauty through dark soul veil?

    A lot of the things mentioned in this poem are hard to envisage on their own, such as soul, laughter, joy and passion. The poet I suppose will link these with imagery and metaphor, but those you've chosen are things like sun, dark clouds, shadows and spring. Hardly on new ground here are we? This seems like a practice poem, probably in the vein of one of the Romantics. As a practice poem it is well written, the rhymes and simplicity are pleasing to the reader, and some of the connections made are interesting. Mainly the position of the writer in Hades, the descent captured in tone rather than dense imagery is a strength of the poem but I don't really feel like you've done enough. You could make this more than pastiche, or even just better pastiche.

    The length of the poem is a problem, as I say it is technically well written, but in terms of the content we seem to get to the end a little too quickly. A few more stanzas or possibly an alternate form altogether may have helped this come across stronger. Hades is a little to transient for my liking.

    Your work is soundly written. You obviously know what you are doing. But you should honestly ask yourself are you being lazy?

    I would struggle to write with as much clarity as you do, or to keep consistent meters and write rhymes that don't stick out as you have here. I also have the feeling that this poem would read very well aloud. All good things, all strengths to be admired.

    You are however, being incredibly safe with your content and ungenerous in your development of themes.

    Or such is what I gander from this.

    | Posted on 2015-10-15 00:00:00 | by Angeles | [ Reply to This ]

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