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    dots Submission Name: Tarnished Landdots

    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 288/229/264
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 641
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 453

       Felt a short poem was in order. Feel free to share thoughts

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTarnished Landdots

    Gather your tithes and offerings
    And garner your brows as yields of the season
    Black kettle & faux, yellow crops hoisted upon your hand in treason

    I saddle as your ranch, my harvest barefaced contraband
    Owning only the planted seed I once fed, a thought
    That I’d be your homeland by the drought

    Instead, I lay
    Sun-baked and bare
    I suppose your reaping never was mine to bear.

    Submitted on 2015-10-20 12:06:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Liked this one, minimal and dense. Liked the last stanza's twist. :-)
    | Posted on 2015-11-09 00:00:00 | by Snow9 | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting poem. Abstract, but also there's clearly an intention behind the lines. It makes me think of a relationship lived out under the yoke of inequality. I think a equal relationship is rare, and there is usually one there giving more. I don't know. And there is a sense of that tip here.

    Overall, being that it's abstract, I'm not keen on giving too much in terms of critique. Your images and word choices are smooth. There is one part I think is a little confusing -or rather I find myself wanting to choose one or the other word. Where you have: my harvest barefaced contraband. Without understanding (exactly) what you're aiming to express, I find myself wanting to read it with one of these words cut out, like : my barefaced contraband or my barefaced harvest or...

    I'm not sure. I'm just a little uncertain how those four words relate or what exactly I'm meant to take away from that phrase. This is just an immediate impression after one read, but I like to give that immediate impression.

    I thought this was really good.
    | Posted on 2015-10-20 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]

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