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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dot dot dotdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 288/229/264
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Haiku/
    Total Views: 625
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 287



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDot dot dotdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I close my swelled eyes
    Therein lies a grayish dot
    It fades all too soon

    A man on a bike
    Swooping on by in the night
    and I bid "Godspeed"

    While wishing I were
    him, revelling in the night
    and this, so I do.




    Submitted on 2015-11-23 07:08:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i liked the title first.

    haiku is essentially to do with nature but i like what you've tried to do here: 3 separate haiku that relate to each other.

    there's a couple of rules (for the guidance of the wise) that generally, if followed, help to make the haiku work in the way that those that dreamt up the form intended for it namely:

    each line should somehow make sense in its own right and
    lines 1 and 2 should make sense as a couplet and
    lines 2 and 3 should also make sense as a couplet so try this as an alternative to what you've set down:

    my swollen eyes close
    safe in them lie greyish dots
    though they fade too soon

    a man rides a bike
    he swoops on by in the night
    (i bid him Godspeed)

    wishing i were him
    he, revelling in the night
    and this, so I do…

    keep at it mate,

    k
    | Posted on 2015-12-18 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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