Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cantodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 5/13/19
    Words: 377
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 654
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2293



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCantodots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wandered home on a day so dead and dry,
    that swallowing hurt the back of my throat,
    in a daze watching people passing by
    like the charred leaves in a pond beginning to float.

    Fell that way for ages really, even tablets
    or buying last ditch energy drinks,
    could not save me. I begged you to save me
    in the floor of the empty shopping center, while everything started to shrink.

    Don't bring me home, or bring me home,
    I said, like an animal put to sleep. Too long too long
    The wind has wandered through the streets alone
    Unable to carry the merest jist of a song.

    And it was a sad and winding way to get home,
    And for the first time, really, in a while, I wasn't happy to be on my own.



    I wasn't though,
    because even on your own you can find people
    on video
    and I found this girl with dark hair,
    holding something in her hands,
    I think you know what she was doing...



    While she told her story
    I must have been sick because I wanted it to mean more
    she had this aura
    what's it called, something you would do but you have to shut the door?

    A whole cast of characters described in the darkness,
    breathless she was, amid the slap of saliva, gulping water
    in the park by the memorial, such stark
    railings would do nothing for her.

    Come down into the grass,
    and get dirt all over your knees, your yellow converse
    lying still while the trucks go past
    looking at each other as the clouds begin to disperse.

    You come through the blue light like morning,
    though I don't know what time of day it is,
    everything in this room is seeming like a warning
    construed in a way to stop the wind getting in

    But your dirty story got in
    and I don't know whoever owns the house
    even someone like me who's impressed with your sins
    could do with hearing the stories that come out of your mouth.

    Not in the same place though,
    and barely even related to the same person.





    Submitted on 2015-12-30 06:06:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I read this a while back and it felt very much like a love poem, but when I just read it now, I got a very different sense. A bit of a seedy, privacy going on, and maybe as a way of forgetting. There seems like there are two women in the poem. One subject and one object. And I'm impressed, if I'm reading right, with how much you were able to say by impression only. Without ever saying it.

    It feels like the speaker has been abandoned, perhaps because of his own inability to get his act together. Why is less clear, but also not important in the context of the poem. I like the way you have this atmosphere in your poems which shifts back and forth between something distant (historical) and something very modern or immediate. The detail of the energy drink was great. I don't think I've read that in a poem yet.

    I almost feel like there's some confusion happening in the mind of the speaker between reality and fantasy. I'm not really sure, but there's a definite duality that is compelling. And a bit crushing like a last straw has broken everything.

    Really thought this was excellent.
    | Posted on 2016-01-13 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200951

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry