Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tuti Benadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Chelebel
    Elite Ratio:    2.07 - 48/165/170
    Words: 197
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 379
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1315



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTuti Benadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Somewhere between hope and hopeless
    Your battle battered me up.
    The cancer ate me away.




    Last night I put my focus on you
    I wanted to see you in my dreams
    You took me to the places you have seen
    then you showed me your final days.



    Your skinny knees......



    With the help of your hand
    Lifting underneath the knee
    To move your legs one by one



    I believe I saw your
    last meal in public


    your last signed
    receipt

    The fragile
    handwriting


    The shaken pen syndrome


    You were withering and weak
    A sack of bones depleted, void
    Of your immense energy.

    Waiting for something
    Waiting for relief

    Good grief?

    I grieve.


    Not the dream
    I'd foreseen
    Heartbreaking
    Tearing me away
    From the sheets

    Waking up crying


    In a crowd of
    A hundred thousand
    I would find you
    In a galaxy of billions
    You find me in one night

    The tears keep streaming




    Submitted on 2016-01-06 08:03:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I identify with this piece. I thought it was well written and heartfelt. Something you are really bonded with and I salute that kind of writing.

    I am really glad I came across this and really glad that you shared.

    I wish you comfort.
    | Posted on 2016-01-10 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall, a well-written tribute to your grief. The only places that I'd urge you to look are the part about the knees and the "I foreseen" I'd change to "I'd foreseen." I see what you were going for with the knees, but the order of lines 2-4 of the strophe feel awkward. If you read just those four lines on knees it sounds as if you have a knee lifting a knee. Take that opportunity to use and describe the hand, that is as emaciated as the knee it's lifting.

    Cancer is a terrible thing to watch someone you love suffer with. I'm not sure you ever lose those images, and try as you might to recall earlier days of health, they are jumbled. I sometimes think that you grieve for those memories along with the person.

    Hope you find something helpfull here.
    Jan
    | Posted on 2016-01-07 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200976

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Outlaw
    The World written by jjd
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry