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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tuti Benadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Chelebel
    Elite Ratio:    2.2 - 53/167/176
    Words: 197
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 479
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1315



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTuti Benadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Somewhere between hope and hopeless
    Your battle battered me up.
    The cancer ate me away.




    Last night I put my focus on you
    I wanted to see you in my dreams
    You took me to the places you have seen
    then you showed me your final days.



    Your skinny knees......



    With the help of your hand
    Lifting underneath the knee
    To move your legs one by one



    I believe I saw your
    last meal in public


    your last signed
    receipt

    The fragile
    handwriting


    The shaken pen syndrome


    You were withering and weak
    A sack of bones depleted, void
    Of your immense energy.

    Waiting for something
    Waiting for relief

    Good grief?

    I grieve.


    Not the dream
    I'd foreseen
    Heartbreaking
    Tearing me away
    From the sheets

    Waking up crying


    In a crowd of
    A hundred thousand
    I would find you
    In a galaxy of billions
    You find me in one night

    The tears keep streaming




    Submitted on 2016-01-06 08:03:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I identify with this piece. I thought it was well written and heartfelt. Something you are really bonded with and I salute that kind of writing.

    I am really glad I came across this and really glad that you shared.

    I wish you comfort.
    | Posted on 2016-01-10 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall, a well-written tribute to your grief. The only places that I'd urge you to look are the part about the knees and the "I foreseen" I'd change to "I'd foreseen." I see what you were going for with the knees, but the order of lines 2-4 of the strophe feel awkward. If you read just those four lines on knees it sounds as if you have a knee lifting a knee. Take that opportunity to use and describe the hand, that is as emaciated as the knee it's lifting.

    Cancer is a terrible thing to watch someone you love suffer with. I'm not sure you ever lose those images, and try as you might to recall earlier days of health, they are jumbled. I sometimes think that you grieve for those memories along with the person.

    Hope you find something helpfull here.
    Jan
    | Posted on 2016-01-07 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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