In my eyes
In my smile the pain
The grey in my hair
Reveals the same
Lust in the mind
Full of encountering thoughts.
The years go about
Day in and day out.
This time allowed
But next not at all
My mind is like a
Merry go round.
Holding on tight
Clinging to the thoughts
The memories reveal
Displaced pain concealed.
The grey in my hair
Reminded me not to stare
For the years have flown by
Much of it despair.
The years of tears
if you only knew
That was actually
Depressions that took ahold
Controlled my heart
Controlled my tone.
Depleted me of all hope
I ran away to be alone.
I starved myself everyday
No appetite for life
No appetite to stay.
Each day that went by I begged inside
To be freed from this life
To be allowed to give up.
I withered away.
Lost 25 pounds
In a week in a half.
Cried myself to sleep
Years longer than that.
Skin and bones
Adding to the pain
And despair as he
Ridiculed my frame.
I went and donated blood.
Iron deficient it didn't matter
They wanted my blood
They were flattered.
Those 20 minutes of my life
I will never
I did not see the light
Only darkness as I fell.
The gravity so strong
My chest could have cracked
Those bricks in my heart
It was sadness.
Pulling me to the center of hell
I was alone
ALONE IN HELL.
I begged to leave.
I cried out my faith
I needed to know
This was not my fate.
I knew the great spirit would hear.
I thought I was a child of faith
I lived my life trying to do good things.
I thought in negative ways, but I knew my
Heart was better than my mind. I knew my
Actions were more kind. I cried out for love of
the purest kind. I begged for rescuing and sobbed
"Where is the light?" Jesus I believe in you, you are my savior.
I gave you my heart, I chose you when I was 8
You were my fate.
Instantly I was pulled to a new place
Where there was no darkness or gravity
A place where I could literally feel light and
More importantly the light was love. It was so bright!
Let me take a moment here to pause...........And repeat
I could literally feel light. The light was love.
Imagine a world of vibrations from light that created sensations of total love.
And it being the most intense shredding of a guitar solo
pumping through all of the biggest speakers in the world with the best amps
So that sound was light.
I begged to stay.
the cascading mountainous fields of what I thought was wheat.
The feelings of love I was complete. I was alone here too until I thought and then my thoughts were answered ....whoa.
Although, My thoughts were more argued with.
And no, I'm not schizophrenic.
I begged to stay. "I hate that earth and all its demons
I hate the evil and living among them. I want this love
What you are showing me. I don't want to go back
please don't make me. I hate life and all its people, killing
Eachother and not believing. No tenderness or random acts Of kindness the hatred is thick and I'm just barely surviving."
I plead from my heart it was doing all the talking. I denounced this life that the humans are living. "Let me be a bird or fish but not human."
"Love life as a human you are so wrong.It is a gift. It is where you belong. You have so much more to do you are not done. You are just beginning your life it has just begun. I have many plans for you and many roads to pave. You must go down these roads collect the dust and learn to trust. Your lessons are more and the learning is much. The heart needs to be opened and loved. You hate yourself and that's why you are starving. Stop this atrocity against yourself. If nothing else if you feel unloved, look inside yourself for that love. Only you can love with the greatest of your capacity and fill your pains with this compassion. I have granted compassion unto you, now go out and discover be great, be you! You are a wonderful person and people will see it if you just show it. You can be that love you think is missing. You can fill those voids that society is lacking. Make that difference you know you can. I will be hear holding your hand. Remember this, please don't forget it love is powerful when mixed with compassion."
"I don't want to go back. Please don't make me. I don't believe that I am those things. I am one and one is not many. I'm not sure I can be so convincing. I tired to lead by example thought out each day planned and principled. Always I was trying to be so good where I wound up, well not so good. What am I lacking to be so great. I think my heart might break. I give and give all the time. But in return I burn for all my tries. Sent to the darkness to cry to you. I don't understand. I don't understand you. Show me my life and what I am missing. I don't believe that my future is bright or glistening. All I feel in that life is pain and the way I fell now, I just can't understand. I gave it my all I never quit. I begged for it but I never did. So out of my act of kindness to donate, I am brought here to contemplate. What now what's next? I mean no disrespect."
I will show you a glimpse
And three girls in the distance
Playing up top the rolling mountains
Everything yellow love radiating light
In fields of wild flowers and vibrant wheat
holding each other's hands skipping in a circle
Singing smiling and laughing each their own size
All blondes with blues eyes and fair skin like mine
Infinite Happiness while playing outside they were there
Waiting for my life