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    dots Submission Name: Heart Alivedots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 559
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 780


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    dotsHeart Alivedots

    To love with my heart
    My heart fully alive
    There is no other purpose for me to survive
    And yet there is strife
    A diabolical conflict standing in the way
    That will do anything to suffocate this heart
    Regardless of all the pain
    How does such evil manifest from heavenly places
    Certainly not duality, the opposite stages
    Evil being the opposite of good,
    Life being the opposite of death
    I concure that that they are absences at.best
    And so,
    What do I have left?
    What step is there to take?
    How shall I proceed when all I have is faith
    My heart proposes to bloom
    Fitting all Iove here
    It was created with room
    That much is clear

    Submitted on 2016-02-24 12:20:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Jazmine, I think that rhyme, half rhyme dilutes your purpose.

    If you'll just humour me and read the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost

    I think you'll become aware of his strucure, how that strucure and usage elevates the poem throughout and in certain instances. He creates a tone, and if you ask me it's and artificial one in that it's gorgeous, it's inventive whilst appearing to be everyday.

    Imo you lose both your power (the voice particular to you) and message when presenting in rhyme half rhyme as you have done.

    I'm not saying your message isn't worthy.
    I'm saying your delivery is shonky like a sail made out of handkerchiefs- ready to give out at the first puff of wind.

    Don't be that person building sails out of handkerchiefs...
    like so many invariably do,
    make some shit that's going to last.

    Imbed your message within that and the keeping stuff might be carried whereever you might want it to.

    My 2 cents worth.

    | Posted on 2016-02-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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