Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sparseness reviseddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: OneDarkFlame92
    ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 457/422/225
    Words: 21
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1144
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 168



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSparseness reviseddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Captains go
    With ships;
    Ships flow
    Like hips.
    And time, can't save
    Sinking lips

    We taste
    The salt




    Submitted on 2016-03-04 21:18:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      By 'sinking lips'
    I assume you mean sadness. I think the rhyme fucks you up lile it's all good to be about shortness but i would actually extend this poem further and work in invisible rhyme...

    Wth is that? Well, just substitute 'go' for 'motion'
    ... in a longer poem you would see it, so long as your rhythm is strong (like a blankverse poem) you don't actually need to rhyme so you can then have your description/action act as the rhyme...

    Blah blah blah, actually, looking at it id just reverse the rhyme scheme...

    Captains go with ships
    like ripened hips ships flow
    Ships flow and, flow-on
    to hardship,
    fancied, near, and new
    __
    and true

    We taste the salt.

    I'm not saying use these words im saying i think the version i just offered is better for the use of momentum, action and rhythm. could be just me but i think it has more life/ emotion in it.

    Intetesting thing with a short piece is there's so much challenge, and i think-delight in finding the right word and word form (rhythm)

    Change the title to something that points to the emotion etc and you've economized and suggested the downturned lip.


    Just food for thought.
    | Posted on 2016-03-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201101

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Sadistic lust written by jjd
    I Believed written by homeless
    'Cause You're Mine, I Walk the Line. written by Torie
    The Phoenetians and Us written by Torie
    Untitled 2 written by homeless
    Post Naturalism written by cornonthekob
    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Shading written by saartha
    Un Lugar Para Siempre written by SavedDragon
    Untitled - September 19, 2017 written by homeless
    Sleeping Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    One Time Is Good written by Daniel Barlow
    Chèvrefeuille written by rev.jpfadeproof
    rimbaudian reverie written by CrypticBard
    Still written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wisp of You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Moon and Me written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Two written by homeless
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Don't Tell Me You Love Me written by homeless
    Collision written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Jar (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Untitled - 8/2017 written by homeless
    More written by homeless
    Fizzy Love written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Buried written by MyPeriodical
    After a Dream written by KeeperOfLight
    Starry night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry