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Sparseness revised

Author: OneDarkFlame92
ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
Elite Ratio:    5.3 - 461 /425 /227
Words: 21
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1940
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 168


Sparseness revised

Captains go
With ships;
Ships flow
Like hips.
And time, can't save
Sinking lips

We taste
The salt

Submitted on 2016-03-04 21:18:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  By 'sinking lips'
I assume you mean sadness. I think the rhyme fucks you up lile it's all good to be about shortness but i would actually extend this poem further and work in invisible rhyme...

Wth is that? Well, just substitute 'go' for 'motion'
... in a longer poem you would see it, so long as your rhythm is strong (like a blankverse poem) you don't actually need to rhyme so you can then have your description/action act as the rhyme...

Blah blah blah, actually, looking at it id just reverse the rhyme scheme...

Captains go with ships
like ripened hips ships flow
Ships flow and, flow-on
to hardship,
fancied, near, and new
and true

We taste the salt.

I'm not saying use these words im saying i think the version i just offered is better for the use of momentum, action and rhythm. could be just me but i think it has more life/ emotion in it.

Intetesting thing with a short piece is there's so much challenge, and i think-delight in finding the right word and word form (rhythm)

Change the title to something that points to the emotion etc and you've economized and suggested the downturned lip.

Just food for thought.
| Posted on 2016-03-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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