Description: I tried to keep this one vague at the beginning to make it not so apparently about a womans path of self and surrounding destruction after heartbreak. But the transition from vague to moral of the story was really sloppy and i was wayy to lazy to work in a better one. Anyways enjoy
Reminds me of Miles Hodges - so, I automatically read this in his voice. You've got a nice handling on word play, but try to keep the flow consistent. It switches from tone to tone, like excitement to despair, without a middle-ground to step on in order to get from one place to the next.
Use a little more intimate detail in your writing; get personal. The piece has a good scheme, but lacks in energy.