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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 3 amdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dancer-of-words
    ASL Info:    21/trans/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 167/158/74
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 534
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 888



    Description:
       Written by a transgender person (me) hence the line "Too late to think they'll see you as a boy."


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots3 amdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's 3 am
    and it's too late now to do
    all the things you thought or said you were going to.

    It's too late to think that you'll get a good night's sleep
    Too late to think time's ours to kill or keep.

    It's too late for sorrow, and too late for joy.
    Too late to think they'll see you as a boy
    It's 3 am and too late to feel hope's call
    Too late to feel anything at all.

    It's 3 am and too late to say good night
    Too late to think you'll find that eternal light
    You're so weary now, you can scarcely take a breath
    It's 3 am
    but it's not too late for death.

    Death is always there, like a cold, comforting friend.
    Cause it's far to late to begin again
    But not to end.




    Submitted on 2016-05-03 14:05:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      So a bit of a hand-me-down comment, because I'm a little juiced out (not quite 3 am here, but verging on that post-twilight territory). For some reason the apostrophes in your second strophe struck me awkwardly. They're not wrong, they're just aching for a rhythm or lilting that doesn't exist.

    Fee fi fo & fum. The baker kneading hapless bones instead of batter.

    Listen, I don't personally pretend to understand your life or experiences and can obviously only speak from the perspective of my own. So I've chosen to approach this as a poem and nothing else.

    I don't think the description is helpful, or essential. I also think it's interesting that you've chosen the word boy instead of man. I think, with me anyways, there was always an internal struggle of when. When do I cross the line from boyhood into manhood? There's no clear-cut celebration like in judaism, so really, what defines the line, and how do you cross it?

    The fourth strophe kind of breaks this poem structurally. I like the poem, but this is where it begins to thread on thin ice -- I feel like the point of the strophe is to get the message about death across. The rest is just filler. You also repeat the 3a.m. bit twice, which is once too many I think.

    Death is always there,
    a cold & comforting friend.
    it's far too late now to begin
    again,
    but not to end.

    I think this helps to flow and brings out some of the rimes a bit better.

    I feel like you're also awkwardly tiptoeing around the obvious retort to this poem (something alone the lines of "there's no better time than now" or some similar cliché). I think that's probably this poem's most glaring weakness. This is, however, a point that you could turn into the poem's strongest asset. The now of 3 a.m. has a unique quality about it that most people can relate to: it is the hour for/of anxiety. people who are chased from their sleep by anxiety are awake at that hour. Life anxiety, performance anxiety, sexual anxiety, esteem anxiety... Bring the raw of that emotion into this poem (or whatever it is, because I'm shooting in the dark here) -- and you'll have added a human depth to it.
    | Posted on 2016-05-04 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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