Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Weird Ass Dreamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1395



    Description:
       Suprise ending!

    Thats what he said.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWeird Ass Dreamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You took a walk inside my head last night
    In many places of my memories
    What can I say this is not the first time you have been in my dreams
    We were breaking and entering
    Exploring the halls of our childhood homes
    Actions stemming fRom daring curiosities
    We walked from room to room with no regard for consequence
    I can never fully explain
    How stoic you present yourself
    In the lucidity
    If my mind
    Like a shadow over my shoulder
    I didn't see this in a movie
    Hear it in a song
    Frued could not suggest to me what it means

    I am searching through an antique wardrobe
    In my bedroom from when I was a girl
    You approach me
    Your body is hidden by the heavy walnut door adjar
    I feel you and I turn
    Removing the barrier between us
    We are standing now shoulder to shoulder
    The room is growing darker and darker
    Then you cum on my face
    Your semen drips down my hair
    Like a casual handshake, you laughed
    Not mocking just
    Hey there you go amusement
    and what the fuck?
    You are the preachers son and one of the only genuine christians I have ever met
    From kindergarden till graduation I have never seen you corrupt in any way
    Now awake,
    I am shocked
    Do what?




    Submitted on 2016-05-27 13:36:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought this captured the feel of a dream quite well, the beginning of a dream seldom has the same feel or visual as the end does and the writing in this piece transitioned quite well through the different stages of a dream. It was defiantly a surprise ending however the one thing I think could have flowed better is if the description of who the boy in the dream was came before his dream self committed the very uncharacteristic act. I was still shocked by the surprise near the end but not as shocked as I would have been knowing this information before the action. Just a personal observation though. Good piece. You captured the essence of a dream well. Keep writing.
    S.A.M.
    | Posted on 2016-07-06 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
      Firstly, I would have liked to see less grammatical errors and just work on your technical word play. The first and second stanzas do not belong together at all...though original in their own right each of them is a poem in itself. I think that though this was maybe written in a rush or to get something out; each stanza could have been initiated in their own poems and made from there...by reading this though poetry it is more of a jumbled mess. The beginning made me feel as if I could view my own childhood and then the images became watered down and more provocative and didn't seem to match the beginning at all...as if two different people wrote them.
    | Posted on 2016-05-30 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201303

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    To written by SavedDragon
    Summer written by layDsayD
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Push written by JanePlane
    Giving written by jjd
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry