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Cavern


Author: lori_tab
ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752 /1517 /481
Words: 89
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1635
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 576



Description:


Anyone ever had morning sickness? Months of this can really take a spiritual toll.


Cavern



The Light has left the room
A wide cavern onlooking
An endless abyss
I,
Close my eyes
In hopes that I do not see
What is not before me

My heart stretches out to grasp things beyond my reach
I,
Step aside
For fear that my feet will not fall
On ground I worry would not disenthrall

It is a bitter darkness underneath my feet
A tired sightless creature now beholds my wings

I stand,
Frozen, silent prayers desperately seeking the one to save my heart




Submitted on 2016-07-15 12:52:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I decided to check out if there still was some life in this place. What do you know? lori is still writing, still dark and gloomy. I enjoyed this poem of yours. I haven't written much lately, that's why I haven't been here in a long time but I found an old poem and I posted it. Check it out, maybe you like it. I will try to write something new and post it here, maybe there still is some life to this place...
| Posted on 2016-10-21 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh boy. I can feel your pain. Suffered from morning sickness myself. And once you're on your second child, your bladder does not always like to cooperate either, especially when bent over the porcelain gods on the bathroom floor.

Vomiting is sort of like that, isn't it? Your vision compresses to a dark and narrow view, and your stomach does things that are involuntary, as if it wants to turn your insides out, including vomiting out your vision and senses.

Just want to offer a few bits of constructive criticism about the wording and placement. Most people may shy away from this because of the very personal nature of your poem, but none of this is about the subject matter or treatment of it; they are purely technical.


The Light has left the room
A wide cavern overlooks (try to avoid using words ending in -ing
An endless abyss.

I (No commas after the word I)
Close my eyes
In hopes that I do not see
What is not before me

My heart stretches out to grasp things beyond my reach
I
Step aside
For fear that my feet will not fall
On ground I worry would not disenthrall

It is a bitter darkness underneath my feet
A tired sightless creature now beholds my wings

I stand, frozen,
silent prayers desperately seeking the one to save my heart.

Some very little changes. Let me know what you think, and whether or not it helps.

Take Care, and hope you and your family are well and healthy today!!

Erin


| Posted on 2016-09-04 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]


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