Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Africadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 822
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 333



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfricadots
    -------------------------------------------


    This
    sameness in my dreams
    balloons upwards, stretched
    windmills fell headfirst
    the fields, I saw you, felt
    tip of your pen slid into
    the space between
    heaved into view --
    weary,
    my bed post
    propping up
    the net.








    Submitted on 2016-07-21 05:03:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Although I can appreciate what you are trying to achieve, you lost me after the first two lines.

    While many poets, amateur and otherwise, can be guilty of too many conjunctions, I feel like some are missing in this piece. It feels a bit like a run-on sentence, where I can't tell where one clause ends and another begins. A couple of mild word or tense changes and well-placed bits of punctuation could make the world of difference.

    ie:

    This
    sameness in my dreams
    balloons upwards, stretches

    windmills fell headfirst
    into fields. I saw you, felt
    the tip of your pen slide into
    (What does it slide into? If it slides into the "space between," then you have to add something after the word "felt" above, for the same reason.)

    the space between
    heaved into view --
    weary,
    my bed post
    props up
    the net.

    I hope this has been helpful and constructive.

    Erin
    | Posted on 2016-09-04 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201407

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Push written by JanePlane
    The Promise written by annie0888
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry