Africa -------------------------------------------
This
sameness in my dreams
balloons upwards, stretched
windmills fell headfirst
the fields, I saw you, felt
tip of your pen slid into
the space between
heaved into view --
weary,
my bed post
propping up
the net.
Although I can appreciate what you are trying to achieve, you lost me after the first two lines.
While many poets, amateur and otherwise, can be guilty of too many conjunctions, I feel like some are missing in this piece. It feels a bit like a run-on sentence, where I can't tell where one clause ends and another begins. A couple of mild word or tense changes and well-placed bits of punctuation could make the world of difference.
ie:
This
sameness in my dreams
balloons upwards, stretches
windmills fell headfirst
into fields. I saw you, felt
the tip of your pen slide into
(What does it slide into? If it slides into the "space between," then you have to add something after the word "felt" above, for the same reason.)
the space between
heaved into view --
weary,
my bed post
props up
the net.
Submission Name: Africa
