Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Africadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 137/245/159
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1082
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 333



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfricadots
    -------------------------------------------


    This
    sameness in my dreams
    balloons upwards, stretched
    windmills fell headfirst
    the fields, I saw you, felt
    tip of your pen slid into
    the space between
    heaved into view --
    weary,
    my bed post
    propping up
    the net.








    Submitted on 2016-07-21 05:03:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Although I can appreciate what you are trying to achieve, you lost me after the first two lines.

    While many poets, amateur and otherwise, can be guilty of too many conjunctions, I feel like some are missing in this piece. It feels a bit like a run-on sentence, where I can't tell where one clause ends and another begins. A couple of mild word or tense changes and well-placed bits of punctuation could make the world of difference.

    ie:

    This
    sameness in my dreams
    balloons upwards, stretches

    windmills fell headfirst
    into fields. I saw you, felt
    the tip of your pen slide into
    (What does it slide into? If it slides into the "space between," then you have to add something after the word "felt" above, for the same reason.)

    the space between
    heaved into view --
    weary,
    my bed post
    props up
    the net.

    I hope this has been helpful and constructive.

    Erin
    | Posted on 2016-09-04 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201407

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Remember written by MyPeriodical
    Comparisons written by MyPeriodical
    Sanctimony written by MyPeriodical
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Oblivion written by TheStillSilence
    Behest written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Release written by robbie
    Los Desechados written by MyPeriodical
    Ahogo written by MyPeriodical
    Next to you written by robbie
    The Veil written by Swimming Bird
    Their fine denial written by MyPeriodical
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    What its like written by robbie
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    No words written by Janesaddiction
    BackLash written by MyPeriodical
    Untitled written by taintedsmiles
    Cansansio written by MyPeriodical
    El Llanto Los Libra written by MyPeriodical
    Abyss (credit to Carina) written by Debauchery
    To Be written by MyPeriodical
    We are Loved written by teika5
    Hide away written by robbie
    Happy New Oblivion written by Pietro
    untitled written by Outlaw
    MY VERY OWN DEATH written by Ethan Brody
    undetermined written by MyPeriodical

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry