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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Africadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 821
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 333



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfricadots
    -------------------------------------------


    This
    sameness in my dreams
    balloons upwards, stretched
    windmills fell headfirst
    the fields, I saw you, felt
    tip of your pen slid into
    the space between
    heaved into view --
    weary,
    my bed post
    propping up
    the net.








    Submitted on 2016-07-21 05:03:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Although I can appreciate what you are trying to achieve, you lost me after the first two lines.

    While many poets, amateur and otherwise, can be guilty of too many conjunctions, I feel like some are missing in this piece. It feels a bit like a run-on sentence, where I can't tell where one clause ends and another begins. A couple of mild word or tense changes and well-placed bits of punctuation could make the world of difference.

    ie:

    This
    sameness in my dreams
    balloons upwards, stretches

    windmills fell headfirst
    into fields. I saw you, felt
    the tip of your pen slide into
    (What does it slide into? If it slides into the "space between," then you have to add something after the word "felt" above, for the same reason.)

    the space between
    heaved into view --
    weary,
    my bed post
    props up
    the net.

    I hope this has been helpful and constructive.

    Erin
    | Posted on 2016-09-04 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]


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