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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Warm Waves [mb]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 333
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1699



    Description:
       Experimenting with music blogging (aka mb)
    I just made it up like an hour ago. It's where I put on a track I've never listened to before, and write to it.

    Observer Drift - Warm Waves
    song

    i'm very rusty in regards to writing so like, feel free to not say anything at all lmao ty


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWarm Waves [mb]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    small sunbeams touch the edge of morning
    a tumblin' wave creeps up to the shores of your mind

    buzzing voices in the distance, a thrum of excitement
    penetrates the snoozy vibes

    slow day, lazy day, sunny
    twangs of delicious moments intersect

    dusk leaves a purple trail
    the world
          ・          *
                  *      splits ゜          *・
              *               ゜★
                        ☆                    ☆.。
                                       open               ::。
                   ・゜               ミ☆          。




    Submitted on 2016-09-19 03:42:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm a big fan of Observer Drift. Their album 'Corridors' was one of my favorites of 2012. Actually that was a great year for independent music.

    You have a wonderful idea here, of listening to a song and writing some words of your own to complement it. A poem might serve the music better than some of the lengthy, meandering, and imprecise blurbs people sometimes write about music. A poem has a tune of its own, and yours definitely slides along to its own rhythm.

    There is a bit of a small glitch for me at the word "intersect." "Sunny twangs of delicious moments" is lovely, but after reading this, the word "intersect" kind of stuck out as though it didn't belong. It was an anomalous island in your ocean. If you add the word "as" it may help the transition to the next clause:


    small sunbeams brush the edge of morning
    a tumblin' wave creeps up to the shores of your mind

    buzzing voices in the distance, a thrum of excitement
    penetrates the snoozy vibes

    slow day, lazy day, sunny
    twangs of delicious moments intersect

    as dusk leaves a purple trail


    the world
    ・ *
    * splits ゜ *・
    * ゜★
    ☆ ☆.。
    open ::。
    ・゜ ミ☆ 。


    I have a feeling this isn't about precision for you just now, just my thoughts :)

    Would love to see more of your poems for songs!

    Erin
    | Posted on 2016-09-27 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]
      I love what you have going on here. Listening to the track, it feels to me that your words are a hushed tone compared to the pop-brightness of the song. The song is a Saturday, early evening and your poem is Sunday, in no particular hurry. Well done.
    | Posted on 2016-09-23 00:00:00 | by redthewitch | [ Reply to This ]
      listened to the track, it's pretty chill.

    Favorite line:

    twangs of delicious moments intersect

    I'm not a huge fan of the formatting though, but I guess it's ok as it lends to the words "split open". :)

    I felt that it needed a few more lines though before we eventually get to "dusk", seemed a little brief to me as worlds can end and begin in a day, or maybe a transition?

    like

    and the afternoon wind cools lovers in heat

    dusk leaves a purple trail
    the world ...


    Take care and thanks for sharing your piece.
    | Posted on 2016-09-21 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]


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