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The Great Betrayal


Author: Janesaddiction
ASL Info:    48/F/Somewhere on A1A
Elite Ratio:    1.93 - 8 /25 /20
Words: 66
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1803
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 549



Description:




The Great Betrayal



Deception or duplicity
fraud or trickery
betrayal becomes rampant
when empathy is absent

Secrets revealed
wounds never to be healed
trust abated
leaving hatred sated

Mother nature warns
politicians scorn
forgetting our coat
trading lies for a vote

Never expecting
love unsuspecting
rules set forth
knowing its worth

In all my years
puddles of tears
You came along
proving it all wrong




Submitted on 2016-10-21 10:06:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Although I'm not a fan of such a close rhyme pattern I can give some suggestions to make this look better. The second and third stanza don't really work imo. I will help you on the second one, I would write it like this:

Secrets revealed
wounds never healed
trust abated
leaving only hatred

It looks much better this way and flows better too. You should rework the third one yourself though. Warns doesn't really rhyme with scorn, maybe with scorns and coat doesn't rhyme too good with vote either. The last two are fine like they are. If you could make the middle of the poem flow better and maybe make the first stanza a bit shorter too like this:

Deception or duplicity
fraud or trickery
betrayal runs rampant
empathy is absent

The poem overall would look 10 times better and flow better too as all stanzas would be the same length and symmetrical. I hope you don't mind this in depth advice but that's how we used to do it here in the older days when this site was a thriving workshop...
| Posted on 2016-10-22 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]


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