Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Great Betrayaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Janesaddiction
    ASL Info:    48/F/Somewhere on A1A
    Elite Ratio:    1.99 - 8/24/17
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 746
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 549



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Great Betrayaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Deception or duplicity
    fraud or trickery
    betrayal becomes rampant
    when empathy is absent

    Secrets revealed
    wounds never to be healed
    trust abated
    leaving hatred sated

    Mother nature warns
    politicians scorn
    forgetting our coat
    trading lies for a vote

    Never expecting
    love unsuspecting
    rules set forth
    knowing its worth

    In all my years
    puddles of tears
    You came along
    proving it all wrong




    Submitted on 2016-10-21 10:06:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Although I'm not a fan of such a close rhyme pattern I can give some suggestions to make this look better. The second and third stanza don't really work imo. I will help you on the second one, I would write it like this:

    Secrets revealed
    wounds never healed
    trust abated
    leaving only hatred

    It looks much better this way and flows better too. You should rework the third one yourself though. Warns doesn't really rhyme with scorn, maybe with scorns and coat doesn't rhyme too good with vote either. The last two are fine like they are. If you could make the middle of the poem flow better and maybe make the first stanza a bit shorter too like this:

    Deception or duplicity
    fraud or trickery
    betrayal runs rampant
    empathy is absent

    The poem overall would look 10 times better and flow better too as all stanzas would be the same length and symmetrical. I hope you don't mind this in depth advice but that's how we used to do it here in the older days when this site was a thriving workshop...
    | Posted on 2016-10-22 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201524

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Incubus written by monad
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    This written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Linger written by saartha
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Cage written by distortedcloud

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry