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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Great Betrayaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Janesaddiction
    ASL Info:    48/F/Somewhere on A1A
    Elite Ratio:    2.01 - 8/24/16
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 546
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 549



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Great Betrayaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Deception or duplicity
    fraud or trickery
    betrayal becomes rampant
    when empathy is absent

    Secrets revealed
    wounds never to be healed
    trust abated
    leaving hatred sated

    Mother nature warns
    politicians scorn
    forgetting our coat
    trading lies for a vote

    Never expecting
    love unsuspecting
    rules set forth
    knowing its worth

    In all my years
    puddles of tears
    You came along
    proving it all wrong




    Submitted on 2016-10-21 10:06:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Although I'm not a fan of such a close rhyme pattern I can give some suggestions to make this look better. The second and third stanza don't really work imo. I will help you on the second one, I would write it like this:

    Secrets revealed
    wounds never healed
    trust abated
    leaving only hatred

    It looks much better this way and flows better too. You should rework the third one yourself though. Warns doesn't really rhyme with scorn, maybe with scorns and coat doesn't rhyme too good with vote either. The last two are fine like they are. If you could make the middle of the poem flow better and maybe make the first stanza a bit shorter too like this:

    Deception or duplicity
    fraud or trickery
    betrayal runs rampant
    empathy is absent

    The poem overall would look 10 times better and flow better too as all stanzas would be the same length and symmetrical. I hope you don't mind this in depth advice but that's how we used to do it here in the older days when this site was a thriving workshop...
    | Posted on 2016-10-22 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]


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