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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Have a Pint on Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 293
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1261



    Description:
       just a bit of prose-like heart renderings


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHave a Pint on Medots
    -------------------------------------------



    We were two galaxies that became a universe that night –

    That’s the most accurate and articulate way I can describe
    The moment I met her. It was a sort of Celestial anastomosis.
    As if the sun finally met the moon it yearned after for so…

    (Oh, Sorry…I was reading a botany book I found in the trash when you walked over to have a pint with me. Basically, anastomosis is the joining of two parts that are diverging and branching. In anatomy it’s when two divergent blood vessels are connected, and in botany it’s the reticulation of the veins of the leaf. In my case, it was the fusion of our souls, like the moment the river fades into the sea). But I digress…

    And unfortunately, so have she and I- an interstellar collision into shards.
    A la supernova- and the incandescence we once shared has turned to a vortex of black, a thick malaise of pain and mistrust. Like water slipping off the slick black of the raven. And…

    *Sigh

    Perhaps, I will string these pearls in a more poetic tongue later.
    Suffice it to say, I just miss her so…

    DiCicco Cosentino




    Submitted on 2016-11-11 15:11:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Your renderings are very technical and precise, JP. I think that your concept of romance is filtered through the mind before it ever touches the heart. As you can see from the previous post, this works well for some readers but leaves others untouched and unfulfilled. As a counterpoint to this post, why not try something a little more raw and unrefined and see how the resulting work feels. Of course, you could be retreating into the mind to avoid facing the heart and all of its messy emotions, but you could still give the experiment a try.
    | Posted on 2016-11-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I find your works uncomfortably stilted in general, though that could just be a difference in writing styles.

    For this piece in particular, be wary of trying to cram too many comparisons into one very short piece. This piece does not benefit from jumping around as you do.

    It's difficult to form any sort of emotional reaction when the sum-up is both so simplistic and so hurried. You seem more interested in lingering over pretty pictures and fancy words than telling the story--which works sometimes, but not here. There's not much substance to this.

    You obviously know how words can be put together to make poetic thoughts. Why not spend a little more time on your next piece to make it shine better?
    | Posted on 2016-11-12 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


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