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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: As you lie sleeping (working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 282
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 381
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1629



    Description:
       This is needs connections and polishing. As with all my writes, its not done and I primarily post these as a backup should my hard drive crash.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAs you lie sleeping (working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    And there you lie, the oak balled in an acorn
    My dark secret- ceremonious as a sonnet

    I have so much to tell you,
    When your body dreams beneath the wine vat night:

    Like how I’d wrap your sleeping breath in roots and carry them with me like rosebuds

    There is something celestial about your slumber-
    It’s the time I love you most- in the starry stillness, in the moss that leaps like a child

    I shall swallow you like Kentucky whiskey, with no words, no movements; no offense
    Your slender naked body is a stalk of red sugar cane that seeps sticky with fatness
    You drip from the crag of my chin and harden like amber across my chest

    Your cinnamon skin sings to me at sundown like the moon croons to the nightingale

    How lovely you are, stretched across the bed as a cherub, soft as snowfall
    That mounds in my palms like your white-winged breast- Your

    Eyelashes are war bonnets that disclose your storm and enclose your cloudburst eyes

    I’d give the sky to lie next to you tonight- to feast on the tresses
    Of your purple amaranth hair- to hear that perhaps my words have overcome you
    That there is none other, that another can never love you as I can, that you now feel
    The same- but

    There is so much left unsaid- so much I can’t say, so much that my tongue won’t allow,
    So much so that my pen is dumb and can but utter: Kita,

    I love you

    dicicco cosentino ©






    Submitted on 2016-11-30 00:08:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Your tongue is doing nothing because the pen is doing all the talking. DanG!
    | Posted on 2016-12-17 00:00:00 | by Chelebel | [ Reply to This ]
      And there you lie, the oak balled in an acorn
    My dark secret- ceremonious as a sonnet

    I have so much to tell you
    When your body dreams beneath the wine vat night:

    Like how I’d wrap your sleeping breath in roots
    and carry them with me like rosebuds

    There is something celestial about your slumber-
    It’s the time I love you most - in the starry stillness, in the moss that leaps like a child

    I shall swallow you like Kentucky whiskey, with no words, no movements; no (offense)
    Your slender naked body is red sugar cane that seeps sticky
    with (fatness)
    You drip from the crag of my chin and harden like amber across my chest

    Your cinnamon skin sings to me at sundown
    like the moon croons to the nightingale

    How lovely you are, stretched across the bed as a cherub, soft as snowfall
    That mounds in my palms like your white-winged breast.

    Your eyelashes are war bonnets that disclose your storm; enclose your cloudburst eyes

    I’d give the sky to lie next to you tonight, to feast
    on the tresses of your purple amaranth hair,
    to hear that perhaps my words have overcome you

    That there is none other that can love you
    as I can, now that you feel the same.

    But so much is left unsaid,
    so much my tongue won’t allow, so much
    that my pen is dumb and can only utter: Kita,

    I love you


    So, so close to perfection. A beautiful testament of powerful emotion, deep connection, an unbreakable bond. It is almost Biblical in its phrasing, a Song of Solomon archaic loveliness to it, really. I only made a few suggestions, and they were very minor. For example, I removed "My Morningstar" because it came off awkwardly to me, mostly because it threw off the music and sonics of the flow. The two words I put in parentheses seemed like odd choices, or in a multiple choice question, you could have picked a "more right" answer, if that makes sense.

    The word "Offense" is jarring in this setting of moonlight while watching your lover sleep, and too common, I felt, for what you were trying to convey. Also the word "fatness" felt inherently off, especially since you painted this picture of her slender naked body. Not that there would be anything wrong with your lover having been plump or even large, but it seemed contradictory. I know you really meant something more like full, or complete, or abundant...

    The other thing was the dashes, which are best off used sparingly. Once again, this is my opinion only.

    This was gorgeous, and I hope you are able to refine it to your own liking, and also, cheers to that hard drive never crashing.

    Erin
    | Posted on 2016-11-30 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]


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