I feel like you have something important to say here, but that maybe part of it is getting lost in the editorializing/over explaining of it.
I feel like you start off pretty strong:
"First, I'll peel back all of my skin
And let it
Crawl right
In."
Although a lot of people have used the "peel back" aspect. Still, there is explicit imagery there.
"Last,
I release
Myself from myself
And watch as all of my horrors begin."
To me, this seems like it should be the last line of the piece. It says the word last right in it, and it gives us the meaning in your actual last line without the "telling" part of "revealing facts". Still, we don't "see" the horrors. We don't face them with you. We are still on the outside and looking in--it's very murky.
"But my cognition is stalling on
this plain."
Did you mean "plain" as in "simple" here or were you meaning to use the word "plane" as in "plane of existence"?
Either way, this does not seem to be such an extraordinary experience--the way it is written. I'm not saying the experience WASN'T profound, life-changing or even extraordinary. I'm saying without more details and description--and much more imagery, it feels like something I could hear many people telling that they have experienced and it doesn't show it to me through your eyes--your unique perspective. Without that needed depth of emotion or imagery it lacks the ability to have the (hopefully desired) greater impact on the reader.
If these are indeed lyrics to a song, maybe the music that accompanies the words enhances the story being told. But since we aren't privy to that, it leaves us wanting more.
My advice is to look at some of the best songs written on this subject--altered states of mind, psychedelics etc. Jimi Hendrix didn't tell us about "facts that kill" (and then not to tell us what those facts are). He gave us colors and images a purple haze-- and then he let us "watch" as he kissed the sky! The artists who have successfully written about such things transcended just giving a play by play of what it's like to hallucinate and detach from the ego to a point of terror. They moved away from the clinical and gave us "sight". They gave us images that painted a landscape that was wild and untamed and sometimes nonsensical and even horrible. But it held our attention anyway!
I think you can better impart the sense of terror or wonder or whatever by showing us what you saw and then your reaction to it.
Obviously, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is full with this type of imagery.
On the darker side is Neil Young's song, Needle And The Damage Done. In particular the lines:
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun.
Here are just a few other samples of those types of lyrics:
The Doors-Break on Through
I found an island in your arms
Country in your eyes
Arms that chain
Eyes that lie
Break on through to the other side
Jefferson Airplane-Go Ask Alice
One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all
and of course, the last line:
Feed your head, feed your head
Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Or for something more recent, you could look to the Flaming Lips:
Vein of Stars
Maybe there isn't a vein of stars calling out my name
No glow from above our heads
Nothing there to see you down on your knees
Like I said, I feel like your first two stanzas are on the right track. And that last stanza:
"Up until
Incontinence
Opens my third eye"
It is going somewhere. It's visceral and makes the heart pump. But then you literally kill it with that last line.
My advice is go back and explore the feelings and images and try and take us through it from that perspective instead of spoon feeding us your thoughts and explanations of said images and feelings.
I know this is a rather lengthy critique. I apologize if it offends in any way. It's just that I see the beginnings of something that could maybe be great here and I want to see more! Good luck to you!
I have unwillingly made such trip once. It was a nightmare. I do recall the sheer horror, the heat, the doubts, the regrets, and the facts that can kill which are nothing but what can change one's existence.
Dealing with whatever wells up from those experiences and actually allow, either unwittingly or not, go on a downright spiral might actually help one to heal or even make one stronger.
I do not regret anything I have done so far, and it might seem tacky, but those events or bad decisions made me the person I am now.
Well, It's certainly a riveting piece. I'm not really sure whether I would have labelled it as lyrics, sounds more like a poem/write in progress to me, no offence intended, of course.
Well take care and be careful if you continue making such trips,
Submission Name: My Acid Trip
