My Acid Trip
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Description:
Edited and reborn!
My Acid Trip
First, I peeled back All of my skin. And let it Crawl right In. Next, I released Myself from my self And watched As all of the horrors Begin. Then the doubts started calling My name, But my cognition was stalling on This plane. As the regret started mounting What's left of my Consciousness Started counting. Up until Incompetence Opened my third eye So that I may see. What we will be. What we're headed for. What we're fearing. What we're seeking. As the ocean of thought Threatened to sink My ship. I began to start clawing For more reasons. Pawing for an answer. Then the walls started howling Drowning out my reasons. Clouding my answer. All the visions became blurry. All the thought had come to still. I was on my knees crying. Knowing the answers were really out there. Knowing surely someone will find them. |
Submitted on 2016-12-30 17:12:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I feel like you have something important to say here, but that maybe part of it is getting lost in the editorializing/over explaining of it. I feel like you start off pretty strong: "First, I'll peel back all of my skin And let it Crawl right In." Although a lot of people have used the "peel back" aspect. Still, there is explicit imagery there. "Last, I release Myself from myself And watch as all of my horrors begin." To me, this seems like it should be the last line of the piece. It says the word last right in it, and it gives us the meaning in your actual last line without the "telling" part of "revealing facts". Still, we don't "see" the horrors. We don't face them with you. We are still on the outside and looking in--it's very murky. "But my cognition is stalling on this plain." Did you mean "plain" as in "simple" here or were you meaning to use the word "plane" as in "plane of existence"? Either way, this does not seem to be such an extraordinary experience--the way it is written. I'm not saying the experience WASN'T profound, life-changing or even extraordinary. I'm saying without more details and description--and much more imagery, it feels like something I could hear many people telling that they have experienced and it doesn't show it to me through your eyes--your unique perspective. Without that needed depth of emotion or imagery it lacks the ability to have the (hopefully desired) greater impact on the reader. If these are indeed lyrics to a song, maybe the music that accompanies the words enhances the story being told. But since we aren't privy to that, it leaves us wanting more. My advice is to look at some of the best songs written on this subject--altered states of mind, psychedelics etc. Jimi Hendrix didn't tell us about "facts that kill" (and then not to tell us what those facts are). He gave us colors and images a purple haze-- and then he let us "watch" as he kissed the sky! The artists who have successfully written about such things transcended just giving a play by play of what it's like to hallucinate and detach from the ego to a point of terror. They moved away from the clinical and gave us "sight". They gave us images that painted a landscape that was wild and untamed and sometimes nonsensical and even horrible. But it held our attention anyway! I think you can better impart the sense of terror or wonder or whatever by showing us what you saw and then your reaction to it. Obviously, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is full with this type of imagery. On the darker side is Neil Young's song, Needle And The Damage Done. In particular the lines: A little part of it in everyone But every junkie's like a settin' sun. Here are just a few other samples of those types of lyrics: The Doors-Break on Through I found an island in your arms Country in your eyes Arms that chain Eyes that lie Break on through to the other side Jefferson Airplane-Go Ask Alice One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all and of course, the last line: Feed your head, feed your head Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb There is no pain you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon You are only coming through in waves Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying When I was a child I had a fever My hands felt just like two balloons Or for something more recent, you could look to the Flaming Lips: Vein of Stars Maybe there isn't a vein of stars calling out my name No glow from above our heads Nothing there to see you down on your knees Like I said, I feel like your first two stanzas are on the right track. And that last stanza: "Up until Incontinence Opens my third eye" It is going somewhere. It's visceral and makes the heart pump. But then you literally kill it with that last line. My advice is go back and explore the feelings and images and try and take us through it from that perspective instead of spoon feeding us your thoughts and explanations of said images and feelings. I know this is a rather lengthy critique. I apologize if it offends in any way. It's just that I see the beginnings of something that could maybe be great here and I want to see more! Good luck to you! -Jane | Posted on 2017-02-20 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ] | I have unwillingly made such trip once. It was a nightmare. I do recall the sheer horror, the heat, the doubts, the regrets, and the facts that can kill which are nothing but what can change one's existence. | Dealing with whatever wells up from those experiences and actually allow, either unwittingly or not, go on a downright spiral might actually help one to heal or even make one stronger. I do not regret anything I have done so far, and it might seem tacky, but those events or bad decisions made me the person I am now. Well, It's certainly a riveting piece. I'm not really sure whether I would have labelled it as lyrics, sounds more like a poem/write in progress to me, no offence intended, of course. Well take care and be careful if you continue making such trips, Ethan Brody | Posted on 2017-01-11 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ] | |
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