Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Maybe He’s Watching my Roaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lukewarm
    Elite Ratio:    6.38 - 621/625/173
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 603
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 692



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMaybe He’s Watching my Roaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    There aren’t too many places around here where
    Your can put hands to wood and hear the clink of dusty glasses
    Pulled off the highway, took a dirt path through the pine trees
    After three beers anyone gets to talking

    In my dream last night we sang a song, me and this stranger
    The first verse tumbled out of him like a coal-powered train
    He and the bartender turned towards me
    I opened my mouth, wasn’t sure what would come out
    But I sang the high chorus , my voice choked
    with whisky and reverence

    There are atheists in foxholes
    But god hides
    In the bottoms of bottles everywhere




    Submitted on 2017-01-06 20:59:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Great write! I love that you take us through the woods. I can see the dirt path through the pine trees, the dusty old bar. The guys who "get to talking". In my mind I've added wrinkled faces, trucker hats, and flannel shirts. And that line:

    "The first verse tumbled out of him like a coal-powered train"

    In my humble opinion, there is much more to this than the "one-liner (esque)" punch line that it ends with. It's all that builds up to it that makes it seem effortless.

    Anyway, like I said, great write!

    -Jane
    | Posted on 2017-02-20 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Gah, you are so good at those one-liner (esque) endings. Like, do you have a shamelessly self-promoting Instagram account where you make little pictures of your poems in typewriter font and post them with hashtags like #poetry?

    That sound super bitchy and sarcastic but I'm serious. Write a fucking book already.
    | Posted on 2017-01-10 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201628

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry