Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ideasdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 15
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 71
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 140



    Description:
       baby steps


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsideasdots
    -------------------------------------------


    ice cream sunset
    new thoughts (brand new neural connections)
    winter sky in summer




    Submitted on 2017-02-09 03:38:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice font, makes the piece appear stark and uncomplicated.

    very good from you.

    The poem is pretty cool actually, cos it is what it is but there's also depth there too. Sunsets can be a molten, tumultuous time where there's that deep mood and the sky is melting so 'ice cream sunset' is a delicate contrast and seems suggestive of someone giving themselves a break you know? not being hard on one's self as well as enjoying the actual break.

    I really admire the second line, the double on 'new' and the musicality,/ease of it, alliteration = new/ new neural....

    and just the extension of it, con nect tions....
    there's an elongated feel to the line the way we struggle with something when it is to be learnt.
    The really lovely thing though is that, like i said, there's a musicality to it which reinforces that unstated affirmation that it might be good.

    'brand' is kind of a loaded word (in a nice way) because it goes toward that imprinting of a neural pathway and it does, it kind of halts or holds up the line before that lovely 'new neural connections bit.

    'brands' is also really nice because it's like this person wants to reinvent themselves, and every body deserves that little grace in life.

    The last line's pretty nice too. Turning that iconic symbol of sunset into something else and giving winter the unexpected connotation of renewal.

    winter Summer sky/summer

    subtle rhyme, using that musicality again. The line harks back to the ice cream thing, and really this poem is tightly crafted. So, pat yourself on the back, i'd say that's a perfect poem.
    | Posted on 2017-02-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201668

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    My Face written by my shadow
    Spectrum Of Reality written by Daniel Barlow
    the daily supernatural written by annie0888
    After written by JanePlane
    Distant written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In That Day written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Tender Bites written by Chelebel
    Swoon (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Night Sky written by ForgottenGraves
    Life without fear written by Ramneet
    View written by saartha
    Through & Through written by Chelebel
    A Known Stranger written by Latin King
    Taking Over Me written by ForgottenGraves
    This is hilarious written by Chelebel
    Carolina Blue written by Chelebel
    💯 written by Chelebel
    The Docile and the Damned written by Passionbyapathy
    Hillary written by Soulraven
    Scars You Beautiful written by Chelebel
    Self written by jackz
    7 Autumn evening Haikus written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Aspen in Winter written by annie0888
    Style written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Waning Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Light in this Room written by lori_tab
    Kissing Eva written by krs3332003
    ideas written by EshyFishy
    I didn't Fall in Love written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Orphan's Lament written by annie0888

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry