Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ideasdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 15
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 665
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 140



    Description:
       baby steps


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsideasdots
    -------------------------------------------


    ice cream sunset
    new thoughts (brand new neural connections)
    winter sky in summer




    Submitted on 2017-02-09 03:38:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice font, makes the piece appear stark and uncomplicated.

    very good from you.

    The poem is pretty cool actually, cos it is what it is but there's also depth there too. Sunsets can be a molten, tumultuous time where there's that deep mood and the sky is melting so 'ice cream sunset' is a delicate contrast and seems suggestive of someone giving themselves a break you know? not being hard on one's self as well as enjoying the actual break.

    I really admire the second line, the double on 'new' and the musicality,/ease of it, alliteration = new/ new neural....

    and just the extension of it, con nect tions....
    there's an elongated feel to the line the way we struggle with something when it is to be learnt.
    The really lovely thing though is that, like i said, there's a musicality to it which reinforces that unstated affirmation that it might be good.

    'brand' is kind of a loaded word (in a nice way) because it goes toward that imprinting of a neural pathway and it does, it kind of halts or holds up the line before that lovely 'new neural connections bit.

    'brands' is also really nice because it's like this person wants to reinvent themselves, and every body deserves that little grace in life.

    The last line's pretty nice too. Turning that iconic symbol of sunset into something else and giving winter the unexpected connotation of renewal.

    winter Summer sky/summer

    subtle rhyme, using that musicality again. The line harks back to the ice cream thing, and really this poem is tightly crafted. So, pat yourself on the back, i'd say that's a perfect poem.
    | Posted on 2017-02-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201668

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Incubus written by monad
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Push written by JanePlane
    Linger written by saartha
    Wavelength written by saartha
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Summer written by layDsayD
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    To written by SavedDragon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Giving written by jjd
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry