Momentary Soaring by Drayke

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Submission Name: Momentary Soaring dots

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Author:	Drayke
Elite Ratio:	3.5 - 65/116/49
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	598
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1056

Description:

Momentary Soaring dots

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This meandering life.
Twisting coiling avoiding
collisions with distress.
Avoiding confrontations with reality.
Meeting it regardless
time and time again.

Escaping into pages,
into words and pictures.
Alternative lives lived
freely but without meaning.
Watch illusions
shattered by hard truths.

No relief to be found
from lifelong struggle.
Hardships defined comparatively
in the eyes of judgement.
Emotion, defeat
invalidation by worse than.

Retreat deeper,
withdraw from judgement.
Withhold explanation
of present ailments.
Share not the loneliness
as it affects none but self.

Melodrama pervades,
polluting purity with shared likeness.
Insecurity bestowed
by the snare of doubt.
Silence now,
lest unoriginal trite burgeon.

The valve closes once more,
sealing that which once soared
within.

Submitted on 2017-02-15 11:44:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  I see where you're trying to go with this, but I think you've captured within this poem exactly what needs to be changed about it. Though I appreciate your sentiment and know it well, your delivery feels trite. And I think you struggle with your own triteness. I see that toward the end. In the midst of your life struggle, you are also struggling to find an original voice. Try avoiding words you hear all the time in poetry. Stop using common phrases like "hard truths" or "lifelong struggle." You would be amazed at how much getting away from these overwrought phrases frees your mind. Words like "shattered" and "emotion" and illusions" are also overused. Try to find some other, more unusual perspective. How do you say something without saying the same thing a thousand other writers have said? This is when poetry is at its finest, when it juxtaposes familiar concepts with an unusual way of thinking about them. If I want to give the feeling of a graveyard, for instance, there's no poetry in just saying "graveyard." There's no insinuation, no art. If I said "moldered little churchyard", however, I've successfully given the sense of that word but am free from the need to say it. I hope this helps.
--- WolfStar
| Posted on 2017-02-23 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]
  When I read this, in my mind I was watching a helium balloon rise up and bluster about, knocking and bumping its way from one spot to another. I wonder if a balloon was your inspiration. Maybe a different title that played with that image would be good.

I feel like this piece speaks quite adeptly of "modern" life. We have all these distractions; the internet, TV, personal drama with friends and family . . . drama with strangers on the web and elsewhere. We invite the distractions at times. Even the messy ones and the ones that hurt us. It is our attempt to escape the deeper pain of feeling utterly alone.

And yet, there are still those moments that are akin to soaring. Moments of feeling physically lighter . . . and maybe on the verge of something even more wonderful. I guess the difference between an optimist and a pessimist is what is done with such moments. Do we savor them while they last and lament them with a sense of reverie and even hope when they pass? Or do we see them as a taunt of something innately unsustainable and therefore a dirty trick or a falsehood? I guess how I process it depends on my state of mind at the time. More and more as I get older, I'm just happy to have ever gotten to soar at all! I hope that is the case for the author of this poem as well.

Anyway. This gave me a lot to think about and for that reason, I will say it is a success. Not that what I say should matter all that much. It is just one opinion. Nonetheless, for what it's worth, I felt it was compelling.

-Jane
| Posted on 2017-02-19 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
  How I often wish my cloaking device worked. Still one could cause Alzheimer's with such a tool because of what it would mean to the basic psychic clarity. Tempty nonetheless!!
| Posted on 2017-02-15 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.