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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ashdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 137/245/159
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 738
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 792



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAshdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You remind me
    of things

    of the brief passing of light –
    mid-winter – across the parquet
    under our four dancing feet

    of how the sun burnt
    in my own solar plexus
    turning snow into mud. First loves are alike,
    aren’t they, surreptitious.

    I put my foot down on her
    chair, maybe even a napkin
    to ward off the dust, terracotta
    from the sudden giant alleys
    of cedars, maybe, and wildish
    felled flowers, smelling damp
    earth’s advance of fall.

    Soft breeze tangled up
    in my neck, set alight
    specks of dust
    floating – taste of smoke
    in your hoarse broken whispers
    as the sun died
    in my palm




    Submitted on 2017-02-21 13:11:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like that this poem is full of sense impressions. Part of loss is struggling with the disparate pieces that remain, and I think this piece captures that feeling well. My only recommendation is to watch how your lines fall; the disjointedness is nice in the second and beginning of the fourth stanza, and the rest of the poem could benefit from a similar style. As far as word density, I would go sparser in the fourth stanza; this is a place where less is more.
    --- WolfStar
    | Posted on 2017-02-23 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]
      Eventually the sun will die actually, futurity facts in the palms of our hands.
    | Posted on 2017-02-21 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


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