[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Ashdots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 408
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 792


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    You remind me
    of things

    of the brief passing of light –
    mid-winter – across the parquet
    under our four dancing feet

    of how the sun burnt
    in my own solar plexus
    turning snow into mud. First loves are alike,
    aren’t they, surreptitious.

    I put my foot down on her
    chair, maybe even a napkin
    to ward off the dust, terracotta
    from the sudden giant alleys
    of cedars, maybe, and wildish
    felled flowers, smelling damp
    earth’s advance of fall.

    Soft breeze tangled up
    in my neck, set alight
    specks of dust
    floating – taste of smoke
    in your hoarse broken whispers
    as the sun died
    in my palm

    Submitted on 2017-02-21 13:11:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like that this poem is full of sense impressions. Part of loss is struggling with the disparate pieces that remain, and I think this piece captures that feeling well. My only recommendation is to watch how your lines fall; the disjointedness is nice in the second and beginning of the fourth stanza, and the rest of the poem could benefit from a similar style. As far as word density, I would go sparser in the fourth stanza; this is a place where less is more.
    --- WolfStar
    | Posted on 2017-02-23 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]
      Eventually the sun will die actually, futurity facts in the palms of our hands.
    | Posted on 2017-02-21 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Push written by JanePlane
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Bond written by saartha
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Fasade written by jackz
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]