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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WolfStar
    ASL Info:    26/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.87 - 119/129/46
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 165
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 420



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    I think I fall for her because
    her aspect is so gentle,
    and she never spoils the mystery
    of her secret other side,
    and the long distance obscures all those flaws
    which molder any earthly mistress,
    and she knows how to say something
    without any need for talk,
    and she seems so serene
    like everything in this lunatic world
    makes sense from her angle.




    Submitted on 2017-02-23 12:52:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like your piece. It reminds me when I do the same thing. Living the moment, you know ... admiring nature like there is nothing else to think or worry about ....the best feeling.

    I do think that you could tweak it a little particularly at the begging and at the end.


    "I think I fall for her because
    her aspect is so gentle,
    and she never spoils the mystery
    of her secret other side"

    This bit might flow better, from where I am standing, if you could perhaps alter the line break and have something like this:


    "I think I fall for her
    because her aspect is so gentle,
    and she never spoils the mystery
    of her secret other side"

    As for the end, I feel that ending the piece with a stronger and longer line kind makes the piece to be more powerful and purposeful, so to speak ....


    "like everything in this lunatic world
    makes sense from her angle"

    Maybe adding an extra adjective or re write it altogether could make the trick.


    "like everything in this lunatic world
    makes sense from her symmetric/resting angle"

    not sure if those are good options ... I guess it is not easy to re write someone else's work.


    Hope you don't mind my words, just my take on your piece :)

    Take care,

    Ethan Brody
    | Posted on 2017-02-25 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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