The Moon by WolfStar

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Submission Name: The Moon dots

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Author:	WolfStar
ASL Info:	26/F/California
Elite Ratio:	6.85 - 119/130/46
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nature
Total Views:	759
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	420

Description:

The Moon dots

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I think I fall for her because
her aspect is so gentle,
and she never spoils the mystery
of her secret other side,
and the long distance obscures all those flaws
which molder any earthly mistress,
and she knows how to say something
without any need for talk,
and she seems so serene
like everything in this lunatic world
makes sense from her angle.

Submitted on 2017-02-23 12:52:00 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
The angles of this poem are gigantic, like loving arms. If only people could be more like the moon you portray here.
| Posted on 2017-04-06 00:00:00 | by WriteSomething | [ Reply to This ]
I like your piece. It reminds me when I do the same thing. Living the moment, you know ... admiring nature like there is nothing else to think or worry about ....the best feeling.

I do think that you could tweak it a little particularly at the begging and at the end.

"I think I fall for her because
her aspect is so gentle,
and she never spoils the mystery
of her secret other side"

This bit might flow better, from where I am standing, if you could perhaps alter the line break and have something like this:

"I think I fall for her
because her aspect is so gentle,
and she never spoils the mystery
of her secret other side"

As for the end, I feel that ending the piece with a stronger and longer line kind makes the piece to be more powerful and purposeful, so to speak ....

"like everything in this lunatic world
makes sense from her angle"

Maybe adding an extra adjective or re write it altogether could make the trick.

"like everything in this lunatic world
makes sense from her symmetric/resting angle"

not sure if those are good options ... I guess it is not easy to re write someone else's work.

Hope you don't mind my words, just my take on your piece :)

Take care,

Ethan Brody
| Posted on 2017-02-25 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.