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    dots Submission Name: Only In My Dreamsdots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/623/381
    Words: 170
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1144
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1068

       RIP my David I will love til my last breath.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnly In My Dreamsdots

    I look for you within all the unfamiliar faces,
    My neck snaps quickly to the possible sound of your voice.
    When the time comes and the day is nearing a close

    Virtually every night you are with me
    In my dreams you are alive
    In my dreams we are close again
    In my dreams we talk

    The nightmare only begins when I awaken,
    My mind having the ability to distinguish fact from fiction
    It all comes rushing back to me
    The irregular heartbeat begins
    Shallow breathing
    Sweaty palms
    My eyes bolt to the only place that will confirm such feelings
    The sacred place where your remains rest...
    ITS TRUE!!

    You will never be among those unfamiliar faces
    It will never be your voice I am hearing
    If I am lucky you will forever be in my dreams...

    Facing reality daily is that of a torturous task, nevertheless, I attempted to do this gracefully as you wouldn't want to see me sad

    Submitted on 2017-03-30 12:10:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I am truly sorry for your loss. Searching for the face of a departed loved one is a crowd when you know they're not there is, I think, something that everybody who loses someone goes through; at least I know I did.
    The honesty of this piece is it's main "selling point" to me. The agony and heartbreak are plain to see. That being said, as honest as it is, it doesn't flow well for me. I think you're missing a word in the first line as well. What exactly are you looking for? The word placement also seems a little off to me; "snaps quickly" instead of "quickly snaps" for instance. The 2nd line of the 4th stanza is passive and really messes up the flow as well.
    I know it may seem like I'm picking this apart, but I do like the piece; I just think rewording it might make it better.
    | Posted on 2017-04-25 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm sorry for your loss. I've never experienced such a thing, nor do I ever want to, so I cannot fully relate to it but I appreciate the honesty of this poem.
    | Posted on 2017-04-10 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

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