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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ubermenschdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Superman
    ASL Info:    17 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.4 - 695/375/70
    Words: 560
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 504
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3177



    Description:
       Is it trash or should I continue with it? THis is my first stab at writing so its not going to be a wonderful read. Pick it apart and tell me what I need, I'd appreciate it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUbermenschdots
    -------------------------------------------


    PROLOGUE

    To get to Heaven or Hell all you have to do is play the game correctly. Contemplating only righteous thoughts, and forking out the counterfeit, wicked ones gets you to Heaven. Live a full life, pray to the lord, love and be loved and although times get rough and you being to doubt yourself you pick yourself up and start fresh. And Hell's for the failures. For those who can no longer push through crap on a daily basis and come out smiling. Some call them the weak, to others they are lost souls. But in all honesty, they are the Youth of our nation. Our world. Our universe. You cant call them a failure quite yet, or can you?

    I dont take pity on these heavy-punk-rockers, but I dont see them as failures either. They are what the world brings them up to be. And althoguh they do have a head on their shoulders that supports a living brain not everyone can do the right thing. Otherwise we'd have some Utopia the world created. but instead we have the messed up version of a Utopia, the side that went wrong, and we cant blame ourselves. The animation around us creates what we are.

    High school is probably one of the toughest places to be raised from. The variety of those finding themselves surrounds us and we begin to lose who we are. Change is occuring and the future lingers near, and you're left standing there, alone, unwanted, and unprotected. No winderbreaker to stop the rain, no more time-outs or do overs. Life hurtles storm after storm against you and all you can do is wait for the waves to subside. or be among the failures, the weak as we've previously called them.

    Then we have the characters who surround the weak. The bold, the strong, the good-looking storm breakers. Sometimes called Jocks. Sometimes called coatail wanderers, either way they never seem to face the severe weather others do.

    Finally below the strong and slightly above the weak we have the averagethe undecided section. The section I, Silas Rider, persist in. The almighty section that spits out the hard-working beasts of our nation. The loving, the mind-corrupting, future. Rising car washers, and upcoming accountants. People that reverse to nobodies and those who succed. Men who convert to women, and scarily enough women who convert to men. We dont get to ride the golden coatails of life, and as much as we'd like to dream it our fellow coatail chasers wont get their just desserts. The victims below us haunt our every vision as they slowly burn and fade away. Sometimes alone and seemingly unnoticed, and other times taking the choosen with them. Either way they burnout, someone sheds a couple tears and the world continues to spin. To go round. And they are presumed sinners, but really they just failed as everyone has to do at sometime.

    Joe failed to continue breathing underwater after Martha failed to see the car in front of her and swerved off of the bridge to avoid the driver ahead who failed to put enough gas in the car to make it to his destination. Three failures take two lives in less then two minutes. Aint that nifty?




    Submitted on 2004-08-06 22:22:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you have a good start. Keep going for sure. I look forward to reading more. I'm not sure I agree with everything either, but it is very well written.
    | Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      Definitely 'continue'.
    Wow. I found this a particulatly strong piece of prose. Although I need to read it again to understand it all. But I have never come across the term "coatail wanderers". What does it mean?
    | Posted on 2004-08-06 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this definitely has a future. I'm not sure I agree with some of it, but the writing is very impressive, both stylistically and structurally. This is a well thought out and well refined beginning. Go a little further and see where you wind up. You have a good inner voice going for you, and I never lost the impression that you knew exactly what you were saying and where you were going next. To be honest, I have a lot of trouble believing you're only 14.
    | Posted on 2004-08-06 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey-

    I agree with hourlongminutes; If I were to guess, I'd say you are a strict catholic. Either that, or you were being satirical and you're fairly anti-christian. I'm leaning towards the latter, but you're only 14, so naivete is also a big possibility.

    The first thing I notice about this- your grammer and punctuation mistakes. I would STRONGLY suggest putting this in Microsoft Word or a similar program, and let it pick out the obvious mistakes. Then comb through it again and check for run-on sentences and missing punctuation.

    This is a good start, but you definitely need some fine-tuning. Howerver- props to you, since you're only 14! Keep writing and improving.
    | Posted on 2004-08-22 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good beginning; it has a feew grammatical errors, but they're not that big. Like almost everybody who's read this, I'm beginning to have trouble believing you're only 14-this has some great insights in it, things that most peple come to only after quite a bit of living. Anyway, I'll e-mail you some of the changes I suggest; I hope they help.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]



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