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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Arrowsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.12 - 75/180/206
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 210
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 729



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArrowsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    What does the eye view as clear,
    cosmic fire of eternal life,
    gave into sleep and blinked away light;
    gave into sleep and birthed away night-
    like fear into arrows,
    of misguided minds-
    fletching of youthful rage,
    grown into form of beast and man.
    Waiting on the bloody banks of,
    contempt;
    contempt bows drawn.

    Abandoned reason,
    binding promises broke gratitude,
    relegated it to just a dream.
    Behind all façade,
    arrows distinguish nothing-
    flesh, sand, silt or stone;
    flesh, wrath and bone.
    Chiron pulls the string of his mighty bow,
    boiling crimson,
    humanity goes.




    Submitted on 2017-06-17 16:48:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Your piece here is very interesting. I like the title and I love the flow of the poem. I don't know if it was intentional or it just happened to come out this way but this piece switches from fluidity to awkwardness.

    It's not a piece that rolls of the tongue, like a spell or an incantation, although it does have this in parts. It's complemented by the sudden stops and it's these stops that make you think of the piece, almost forcing you to stop and pause and take in the words.

    The first line sounds like a question to me, I would either add a question mark after clear or remove "does".

    I really like this part:

    "gave into sleep and blinked away light;
    gave into sleep and birthed away night-
    like fear into arrows,
    of misguided minds-"


    I would reword the last part of the first verse

    "contempt bows drawn."

    I think this part could be stronger, right now it falters a little after the imagery that you built up.

    The second verse is really strong and I love this part

    "Behind all façade,
    arrows distinguish nothing-
    flesh, sand, silt or stone;
    flesh, wrath and bone.
    Chiron pulls the string of his mighty bow,
    boiling crimson,
    humanity goes."

    This is where I mentioned it felt like an incantation, a chant, a rhythmic flow of feeling.

    however this part

    "binding promises broke gratitude"

    broke my attention, again maybe it was done on purpose and it serves a purpose of forcing you to stop, almost like you as the author have control of the situation, you're not only guiding us to what you want to feel and see but also when we feel and see it and we as the audience are powerless in that manner.

    If this is the case, it works. My personal preference would be to find someway to modify this.

    Hope this helps! Really good piece.

    -Andy



    | Posted on 2017-06-19 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]


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