Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Arrowsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/211
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 342
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 729



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArrowsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    What does the eye view as clear,
    cosmic fire of eternal life,
    gave into sleep and blinked away light;
    gave into sleep and birthed away night-
    like fear into arrows,
    of misguided minds-
    fletching of youthful rage,
    grown into form of beast and man.
    Waiting on the bloody banks of,
    contempt;
    contempt bows drawn.

    Abandoned reason,
    binding promises broke gratitude,
    relegated it to just a dream.
    Behind all façade,
    arrows distinguish nothing-
    flesh, sand, silt or stone;
    flesh, wrath and bone.
    Chiron pulls the string of his mighty bow,
    boiling crimson,
    humanity goes.




    Submitted on 2017-06-17 16:48:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Your piece here is very interesting. I like the title and I love the flow of the poem. I don't know if it was intentional or it just happened to come out this way but this piece switches from fluidity to awkwardness.

    It's not a piece that rolls of the tongue, like a spell or an incantation, although it does have this in parts. It's complemented by the sudden stops and it's these stops that make you think of the piece, almost forcing you to stop and pause and take in the words.

    The first line sounds like a question to me, I would either add a question mark after clear or remove "does".

    I really like this part:

    "gave into sleep and blinked away light;
    gave into sleep and birthed away night-
    like fear into arrows,
    of misguided minds-"


    I would reword the last part of the first verse

    "contempt bows drawn."

    I think this part could be stronger, right now it falters a little after the imagery that you built up.

    The second verse is really strong and I love this part

    "Behind all façade,
    arrows distinguish nothing-
    flesh, sand, silt or stone;
    flesh, wrath and bone.
    Chiron pulls the string of his mighty bow,
    boiling crimson,
    humanity goes."

    This is where I mentioned it felt like an incantation, a chant, a rhythmic flow of feeling.

    however this part

    "binding promises broke gratitude"

    broke my attention, again maybe it was done on purpose and it serves a purpose of forcing you to stop, almost like you as the author have control of the situation, you're not only guiding us to what you want to feel and see but also when we feel and see it and we as the audience are powerless in that manner.

    If this is the case, it works. My personal preference would be to find someway to modify this.

    Hope this helps! Really good piece.

    -Andy



    | Posted on 2017-06-19 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201814

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The World written by jjd
    Records I written by Raphael
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    untitled written by ShyOne
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Dream written by closetpoet
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry