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    dots Submission Name: The Night Coachdots

    Author: Wolfwatching
    ASL Info:    28/Male/Ireland
    Elite Ratio:    7.83 - 92/127/104
    Words: 197
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 125
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1251


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Night Coachdots

    Those pale greens; air creates a silhouette
    of childhood sitting in the arm chair.
    So mild the breeze's evening stir
    while the carers move a sick boy
    through the motions of his excercise
    while clouds darken and conspire.

    And this countenance;
    to neither say nor speak nor breath.
    The wind, is almost too gentle in the garden
    as memories of last night come through mute
    waiting for the amber lights to come on.

    All as the sun was coming up too early;
    thirst a rolling in the green leather
    and the only draught was that blue light
    on our dim and lonely crawl
    and not being able to stop our bodies touching
    at all.

    It comes to me as heavy breathing
    and I can't say if to have this-
    to feel some form of intimacy
    has left me shaken in a sleepy pallour now.

    I can hear the grey water run
    its course through the silent days
    but such a dark and quiet place
    on the coach
    hammock-swhishing back and forth
    there's something like the ghost
    of light-blue flowers, your air
    Only coming back at night.

    Submitted on 2017-07-01 11:46:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    | Posted on 2017-07-21 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      Craig, I like the use of i e i o vowels (and well, i've been too long out of school) the w r z x s t letters to extend / carry sounds creating words like pale silhouette childhood
    breeze's evening stir while carers etc etc etc.

    a lot of the phrasing is linked in that when pronounced words have at least two parts to them or in the case of breeze's evening stir - that segment is linked together by the r's which make it into a seven piece part. My point is that you use the language and the specific words to create a momentum which them matches the content. I particularly like what you've achieved in that strophe. As I'm reading I'm considering all this and then I come to a part: while the carers move a sick boy

    while the careers... so there's a continuation of the use of r's as well as the L playing off mild

    and then there's like a tap tap                tap tap

    move a sick boy.

    I thought that to be lovely. His situation is quite bleak and straightforward, so to mimic that in your writing was really lovely.

    Even this section....
    So mild the breeze's evening stir

    the ' causes you to pause and say or think > the evening stir belonging to the breeze

    it causes you to be caught up. So you can appreciate how I could appreciate many of the fine touches you had with pacing.


    And this countenance;
    to neither say nor speak nor breath.

    I don't know if countenance, as a word, is right on the money. certainly it seems like you have a typo or a tense conflict in there with say speak breath. It would seem to breathe... My feeling though is that we both can't seem to find the right word even though it lurks there....

    for example: this inclination to neither speech nor thought nor breath....

    imo that's more toward what I think you were going for as far as tone except that inclination, too, is not the right word.

    With regards to the rest of the poem, when I read it closely I get a better picture of what's going on. I do think that the picture would sharpen and the poem benefit from just a few small experimentations with the format. I'm not talking crazy stuff. Just a line or two on its own. When to make a line break.
    | Posted on 2017-07-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery of this piece was wonderful, but I still feel a little lost as to what exactly is going on. To me, there doesn't seem to be enough of a transition through the stanzas, so it comes off a little broken.
    Despondent longing definitely leaks through the lines and makes me feel as if I would be stuck in asylum thinking of a puppy love to get me through the ages.

    Thanks for sharing,
    | Posted on 2017-07-17 00:00:00 | by endlessgame23 | [ Reply to This ]

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