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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bomb ass-Tiddings dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: teika5
    ASL Info:    46 / m/ artesia ca
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 38/9/16
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 218
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 752



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBomb ass-Tiddings dots
    -------------------------------------------


    anyone want another war ,
    Boring , boring , war .
    a twelve year old ,
    has more sense than this

    here and now seems far from the truth.
    The matter that has fled from our memory
    is the expose-er to huge amounts of "Death"

    Trace the tele. , back to Waco
    then try the fun game of tragic events
    a fine , tuned jagged trail .

    then all this,"We want to be heard "
    on and on and on.

    we are a falling asleep breed
    well be found walking in a haze
    like were doing anything
    but the next thing to do

    drunk on death , drunk on death
    we are dunk on death .
    doommmmmmm.




    Submitted on 2017-07-06 11:43:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This rings a bell in my head. lol
    You wouldn't happen to be one of those aluminium-hat wearing Conspiracy Theorists, would you? ;)

    I love the theme and the emotion in this piece. A little revision would make it easier to read, but not to understand.
    That comes from divining the esoteric riddles from that innocuous, little tele in the corner.

    Keep putting those puzzle pieces in place, Friend.
    Stay strong, don't let the chemtrails get you.. lbs

    H
    | Posted on 2017-07-12 00:00:00 | by endlessgame23 | [ Reply to This ]
      thanks for the { tid- bits} that you have shared with me . There is need for improvement with me and my poetic efforts . There is so, much to talk about ;when it comes to this subject . THE PICE of work is fast. I was improvising on the spot , next time I will take more time and put in some effort , Thank you .
    | Posted on 2017-07-07 00:00:00 | by teika5 | [ Reply to This ]
      So your last strophe has me convinced there is meant to be a lyrical quality about this piece, but to be frank the rest of the poem needs work. The spacing around the commas is visually obnoxious. I'll just show you my suggestions:

    Anyone want another war?
    Boring war, boring war.
    Even a twelve year old
    has more sense than this. (knows better/)

    I think that last line could be worked a little to end on "more" because the slant works well, but falls out of place in terms of rhythm.

    The here & now is so far from the truth;
    a matter that has fled from our memory
    <is the expose-er to huge amounts of "Death">

    I think the ampersand makes the first line less visually noisy. I have no idea what your intention/direction was with that last line. It's super unclear. Exposé-er? Maybe consider exposition instead. Exposer? Doesn't really work grammatically with the subsequent preposition. I also find the word huge to be ugly (unappealing) in this line because it's qualitative vs the quantitative nature of amounts -- try great, vast, etc. I also get that the quotes are meant to imply the estranged nature of the concept of death, but I think you're approaching it the wrong way... You can use the way you build your strophe to visually create distance.. like this:

    The here & now is so far from the truth;
    a matter that has fled from our memory
    is the exposition to vast amounts of...

    death.

    Anyways, I think you get the gist of it. Good luck with your poetic efforts.
    | Posted on 2017-07-07 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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