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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: hurrying About dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: teika5
    ASL Info:    46 / m/ artesia ca
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 38/9/16
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Prose/Satire
    Total Views: 590
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 337



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshurrying About dots
    -------------------------------------------


    it is my way to scurry
    to fight, to block noise, and time

    so many times have impression's
    fell off , into forgetting them

    to ride the high of,
    < the surprise that has yet to be>
    is a gift , given by a divine

    it is by luck to get these ti bits




    Submitted on 2017-07-18 01:45:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I meant not to like this because in the beginning it seemed like much same language repeating same language but you have convinced me otherwise.

    I would say fallen off as opposed to fell off.

    to say fell off sounds like someone who skipped school and went fishing. Incorrect usage...

    That aside, I like the direct and intentionally straightforward language, the repetition of time/times
    and the closeness of something falling to something falling into being forgotten.
    That's beautifully deft.

    to ride the high of,
    < the surprise that has yet to be>
    is a gift , given by a divine

    I admire totally the effect the use of brackets causes without particularly being able to explain why. That bracketing forces me to take a certain route through the poem, forces me to a pause between the 1st and 3rd sentences, and then a resumption between the 1st and 3rd sentences. Just thought that was brilliant and lifted the poem to a spiritual element. Not sure if that's finished, if i'm missing something (highly likely)

    is the last word meant to be tidbits?

    it is by luck we get to this bit? not sure there.

    I like the title. In relation to how I initially read it, I was a bit scornful and then a bit mad at myself for being judgemental, and then - simply appreciative. That's the message carried through the poem, mimicked in the poem, and i think what you're trying to convey in the last line.

    With its lowercase and commas all over the place it doesn't look like a good poem. As we know too well, looks can be deceiving. Thought this was excellent.

    | Posted on 2017-07-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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