One Step
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Description:
One Step
A decayed bouquet clutched in your filthy fingers as you walk down the broken aisle nine steps, eight steps to the end of the road Blank stares from the pews The audience is hypnotized by the tragedy about to unfold Your organs play a lamenting tune Requiem for a Forgotten Innocence seven steps, six steps to the end of the road Bridegroom, stands tall and proud Ignoring the tears that fall down to silently drown your heart and the way your breath hitches. to keep the seam and stitches from bursting apart five steps, four steps to the end of the road Tripping on the tattered veil skewed in your messy hair Beauty lost in Memory of broken yesterdays three steps, two steps to the end of the road Candles alight the altar ready to burn it all And give the fairy-tale a happy ending last step to the end of the road Finally, you have arrived to tie the slipknot of the frayed noose around your slender neck at the end of the rope |
Submitted on 2017-07-26 20:24:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| A twist, only hinted at by the ongoing darkness. I suppose there's a marriage of sorts there, at least til the death do us part part. Nice story. Lloyd | Posted on 2017-07-31 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ] | I liked the use of the the steps and the end of the road phrase. | I felt like in the last section you undressed the poem whereas sometimes I like my poems nearly naked. If it's gloomy you're going for then you have achieved that, and what better place to finish than last step, end of the road. Your work is kind of seated in the heavily clich�d. A lot of phrases from the phrase book, common phrase book 101, and I don't mind that. In a way it's good talk, direct talk and given the subject one can appreciate that. Ignoring the tears that fall down to silently drown your heart and the way your breath hitches. to keep the seam and stitches breath hitches is a nice phrase and description. It kind of stands out when compared to the common ideas of tears that fall down because it stands apart my attention was drawn to your rhyming there, and i thought, well, if you're going to draw my attention to your rhyming why use that tears fall down thing and the pair it with the equally boring (and unimaginative) silently drown? Just in that one section there what you have is laziness (from a creativity standpoint) and then it's immediately followed by two lines where you haven't fleshed out the full idea in full but rather just introduced another ratification where we are to connect the dots. I really think your poetry would benefit if you worked on the phrasing to make it yours and unique to you. There's something in the poem for sure, it's vigorous and full of mood but largely, I think it's spoiled by too much of that common phrasing, it's a facebook profile with no picture. I guess this will come across of harsh, on the other hand you seem like you have a well for writing, and a push to draw from that well. If you seem like that then this is what you get from me. The poem does create a mood, does get the message across, is successful. I don't think though that the way it's presented makes you a good writer. Damned if there isn't conflict in that. Fly. Fucking. Higher. Yes. | Posted on 2017-07-31 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ] | |
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