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    dots Submission Name: One Stepdots

    Author: endlessgame23
    ASL Info:    25/f/The Endless Table
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 28/42/44
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1322
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1300


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    dotsOne Stepdots

    A decayed bouquet
    clutched in your filthy fingers
    as you walk down the broken aisle
    nine steps, eight steps
    to the end of the road

    Blank stares from the pews
    The audience is hypnotized
    by the tragedy about to unfold
    Your organs play a lamenting tune
    Requiem for a Forgotten Innocence
    seven steps, six steps
    to the end of the road

    Bridegroom, stands tall and proud
    Ignoring the tears that fall down
    to silently drown your heart
    and the way your breath hitches.
    to keep the seam and stitches
    from bursting apart
    five steps, four steps
    to the end of the road

    Tripping on the tattered veil
    skewed in your messy hair
    Beauty lost in Memory
    of broken yesterdays
    three steps, two steps
    to the end of the road

    Candles alight the altar
    ready to burn it all
    And give the fairy-tale
    a happy ending
    last step
    to the end of the road

    Finally, you have arrived
    to tie the slipknot
    of the frayed noose
    around your slender neck
    at the end of the rope

    Submitted on 2017-07-26 20:24:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A twist, only hinted at by the ongoing darkness. I suppose there's a marriage of sorts there, at least til the death do us part part.

    Nice story.

    | Posted on 2017-07-31 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the use of the the steps and the end of the road phrase.

    I felt like in the last section you undressed the poem whereas sometimes I like my poems nearly naked.

    If it's gloomy you're going for then you have achieved that, and what better place to finish than last step, end of the road.

    Your work is kind of seated in the heavily clich�d. A lot of phrases from the phrase book, common phrase book 101,
    and I don't mind that. In a way it's good talk, direct talk
    and given the subject one can appreciate that.

    Ignoring the tears that fall down
    to silently drown your heart
    and the way your breath hitches.
    to keep the seam and stitches

    breath hitches is a nice phrase and description. It kind of stands out when compared to the common ideas of tears that fall down

    because it stands apart my attention was drawn to your rhyming there, and i thought, well, if you're going to draw my attention to your rhyming why use that tears fall down thing and the pair it with the equally boring (and unimaginative) silently drown?

    Just in that one section there what you have is laziness (from a creativity standpoint) and then it's immediately followed by two lines where you haven't fleshed out the full idea in full but rather just introduced another ratification where we are to connect the dots.

    I really think your poetry would benefit if you worked on the phrasing to make it yours and unique to you. There's something in the poem for sure, it's vigorous and full of mood but largely, I think it's spoiled by too much of that common phrasing, it's a facebook profile with no picture.

    I guess this will come across of harsh, on the other hand you seem like you have a well for writing, and a push to draw from that well. If you seem like that then this is what you get from me.

    The poem does create a mood, does get the message across, is successful. I don't think though that the way it's presented makes you a good writer. Damned if there isn't conflict in that. Fly. Fucking. Higher. Yes.

    | Posted on 2017-07-31 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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