Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Stepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: endlessgame23
    ASL Info:    25/f/The Endless Table
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 26/38/30
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 137
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1300



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Stepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A decayed bouquet
    clutched in your filthy fingers
    as you walk down the broken aisle
    nine steps, eight steps
    to the end of the road

    Blank stares from the pews
    The audience is hypnotized
    by the tragedy about to unfold
    Your organs play a lamenting tune
    Requiem for a Forgotten Innocence
    seven steps, six steps
    to the end of the road

    Bridegroom, stands tall and proud
    Ignoring the tears that fall down
    to silently drown your heart
    and the way your breath hitches.
    to keep the seam and stitches
    from bursting apart
    five steps, four steps
    to the end of the road

    Tripping on the tattered veil
    skewed in your messy hair
    Beauty lost in Memory
    of broken yesterdays
    three steps, two steps
    to the end of the road

    Candles alight the altar
    ready to burn it all
    And give the fairy-tale
    a happy ending
    last step
    to the end of the road

    Finally, you have arrived
    to tie the slipknot
    of the frayed noose
    around your slender neck
    at the end of the rope




    Submitted on 2017-07-26 20:24:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A twist, only hinted at by the ongoing darkness. I suppose there's a marriage of sorts there, at least til the death do us part part.

    Nice story.

    Lloyd
    | Posted on 2017-07-31 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the use of the the steps and the end of the road phrase.

    I felt like in the last section you undressed the poem whereas sometimes I like my poems nearly naked.

    If it's gloomy you're going for then you have achieved that, and what better place to finish than last step, end of the road.

    Your work is kind of seated in the heavily clich�d. A lot of phrases from the phrase book, common phrase book 101,
    and I don't mind that. In a way it's good talk, direct talk
    and given the subject one can appreciate that.

    Ignoring the tears that fall down
    to silently drown your heart
    and the way your breath hitches.
    to keep the seam and stitches

    breath hitches is a nice phrase and description. It kind of stands out when compared to the common ideas of tears that fall down

    because it stands apart my attention was drawn to your rhyming there, and i thought, well, if you're going to draw my attention to your rhyming why use that tears fall down thing and the pair it with the equally boring (and unimaginative) silently drown?

    Just in that one section there what you have is laziness (from a creativity standpoint) and then it's immediately followed by two lines where you haven't fleshed out the full idea in full but rather just introduced another ratification where we are to connect the dots.


    I really think your poetry would benefit if you worked on the phrasing to make it yours and unique to you. There's something in the poem for sure, it's vigorous and full of mood but largely, I think it's spoiled by too much of that common phrasing, it's a facebook profile with no picture.

    I guess this will come across of harsh, on the other hand you seem like you have a well for writing, and a push to draw from that well. If you seem like that then this is what you get from me.

    The poem does create a mood, does get the message across, is successful. I don't think though that the way it's presented makes you a good writer. Damned if there isn't conflict in that. Fly. Fucking. Higher. Yes.

    | Posted on 2017-07-31 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    201863

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry