She rides a comet
falling from the abyss
as I lie in ignorance
of her name, her history
if she's real or imaginary.
the tip of my tongue
with the answer
to her prayers
| Succubus, incubus, incongruous incredulous. In objection to Outlaw's assessment I found it sassy and provocative. |
|| Posted on 2017-09-19 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ] || If yer comet is falling, then I'd gander it's a meteor. The meaning of lie is also vague enough in this context that it could go either way. That comma is just playing the role of a line break. Don't feel like skipping the indefinite article helps your second sentence (see what I did there). I'd also consider inverting incessantly taunting to keep up your '-y' end rime. the inversion would require punctuation though, just to maintain syntactical meaning (but idk, poetry, so who cares). last two verses seem weak in terms of meaning, and the last one in particular, seem random (at least to me). The answer to her prayers is being touted by [a] celestial mystery that's implied as being her. So she's teasing the tip of your tongue with the answer to her prayers (which is her name?).|
Meanwhile your title would suggest her name is August, and sounds oddly like the last verse of ring around the Rosie.
|| Posted on 2017-08-08 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ] |