This is nice. The language is true to a certain voice. I find that the third strophe kind of breaks that down, and not necessarily in a great way.
It's hard to wrestle with the structure though, being as I rarely write with such a rigid kind myself. V4: That day became night as good men [had] sinned V10: Ill informed masses are veiled by hatred V11: Right or wrong, this is the game our world plays V12: If only I had known this to/would be fated
I also don't love V7 but I don't really have any constructive points to add there. The best I can manage is ending it with "I had made" instead of that was laid.