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    dots Submission Name: Life Todaydots

    Author: chrls
    ASL Info:    43/m/louisiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 43/56/16
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 271
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 698

       My son and I wrote this for one of his English assignments. Hope you like it. Feedback welcome.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife Todaydots

    Nostalgic memories caress the mind
    Like a floating feather upon the wind
    In serious thought I have come to find
    That days become nights as good becomes sin

    As the time flies the light begins to fade
    All hope is fleeting while darkness sets in
    Simple and hard was the life that was laid
    Longing to walk in the light once again

    Logic no more, morals fade in a haze
    Misinformed masses veiled in pure hate
    Right or wrong it is the game this world plays
    If only I knew this would be our fate

    I will carry on till my days are done
    And hope the future ones will see the sun.

    Submitted on 2017-08-27 22:05:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It is very beautiful and veracious write. I loved your work. Great analogies are given. Each and every word is pouring out truth. Congrats. I have marked it as one of my favorites.
    | Posted on 2017-09-17 00:00:00 | by Ramneet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is nice. The language is true to a certain voice. I find that the third strophe kind of breaks that down, and not necessarily in a great way.

    It's hard to wrestle with the structure though, being as I rarely write with such a rigid kind myself. V4: That day became night as good men [had] sinned V10: Ill informed masses are veiled by hatred V11: Right or wrong, this is the game our world plays V12: If only I had known this to/would be fated

    I also don't love V7 but I don't really have any constructive points to add there. The best I can manage is ending it with "I had made" instead of that was laid.

    Hope your son scores well.
    | Posted on 2017-08-29 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

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