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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kaleidoscopedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giftedgrape
    Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 1/4/1
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 279
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 467



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKaleidoscopedots
    -------------------------------------------


    To look upon your face and know contentment. I drown in the brown pools of your eyes. At every glance, I feel the pulling of your undertow. The very thoughts of you surround me with an ecstasy that I being only human can hardly bare.
    My concentration slips as images of you persistently nudge my thoughts to the corners of my mind fighting valiantly to gain dominion. And with a shuddering breath In my mind's eye, I surrender to the kaleidoscope of you.




    Submitted on 2018-01-04 19:47:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought this was very colorful. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2018-01-13 00:00:00 | by tomeliot | [ Reply to This ]
      this is contrary to my work very clear. the kaleidiscope metaphor works nicely. it was easy to digest and pleasant. sounds like the initial infatuation of someone new. not much to say but i enjoyed it. take care.
    | Posted on 2018-01-08 00:00:00 | by ShyOne | [ Reply to This ]
      Going back to this bear/bare thing....

    The poem's crafty enough (knows enough about the nature of people) that you probably mean it as you have it. You're probably saying that a human by themselves is a limited thing, but a human +one other significant person is a human capable of a whole lot more. That makes the bare line a lot richer, like the narrator doesn't know where to look because there is so much there to see, or just because it is exquisite. In any case I prefer it as you have it. I like moments in poetry that give people pause, I imagine them (the reader) being very analytical or perhaps even instinctual, like some history hound exploring a tomb somewhere.
    | Posted on 2018-01-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      A couple of housekeeping things...
    You mean bear as in carry
    not bare as in naked/empty in L5.

    Your poem title for this short poem is strong where as I don't think to repetition of the word at the end was particularly strong. This might be because I know there is a natural rhythm for words that allows you to keep a cadence for words and come to a dramatic or logical stop, and your poem imo falls just a few paces short of this if you like.

    I feel like the use of Dominion is important when compared to the battle between something cognitive (at day's task) vs something spiritual, like the balm of someone else. I like the simple and direct way you have set that up, and then, the simple and direct way you have blended the two = mind's eye... to signal a clear change and capitulation. To me that is very sweet, and indicates you (the narrator) are a heart person, and that it's out of your (the narrator's) control.

    I am overwhelmed by what is so nice about this rather than by anything I might change. So there are elements of sophistication in this despite it appearing simple and direct. Honesty about being smitten. I'd say you're a talented grape.

    Oh yeah, for the end, my suggestion would be to paint Kaleidoscope rather than use kaleidoscope... might be just a couple of words eg, montage in this light means the same thing.

    Also, are you sure this person has brown eyes? Just messing with you...
    | Posted on 2018-01-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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