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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fat With Sensedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 50
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 798
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 329



    Description:
       Everything seems to come out sounding odd lately.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFat With Sensedots
    -------------------------------------------


    My head is fat with sense
    greasy with heavy thoughts,
    aching like a smashed toe,
    sagging like a rotten wooden floor.
    I long to be giddy,
    but I forgot the process
    used to manufacture false happiness,
    so I lie down hoping for dreams
    to purge this rancid mood.





    Submitted on 2004-08-07 04:03:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Fat head? Rancid mood.. This leaves that sour taste in the mouth but that is what it is suppose to do. Sagging rotten floors and aching smashed toes. really gets the point across, I'd say.

    Might want to check the word manufacture...got a typo there unless it was a play on words and you meant to say manuFATure...maybe just a Fruedian slip that goes with the rest of the words..?

    Anyway...the poem is a little odd, yes, but it is a very different and descriptive metaphor. You succeeded in that.
    | Posted on 2004-08-13 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. What a metaphor - this is extremely emphatic about the point it makes. I like the use of distasteful words to emphasise the distasteful state of mind, and sentiment behind the piece.
    | Posted on 2004-08-13 00:00:00 | by Transcendancing | [ Reply to This ]
      ooo, this just oozes with that "rancid mood." it can almost turn one's stomach, and i think that is a good thing because you are conveying very well what's eating at you. i agree with Gob about moving that "fat sense" aside for some nonesense. non too easy to do, though, i know. don't let it eat away at you. i know you won't, though, and soon the mood will pass, i hope. at least you can get it out in poetry, eh?
    | Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Gob's idea is a good one. There are lots of ways to pep yourself back up though. The trouble is that when you're not feeling pepped, you don't feel like doing anything that might help. I find it curious that you seek to rediscover false happiness rather than true happiness.
    | Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      fat with sense - interesting image. your images here are not the most pleasureable (is this a word?? I think so...) ones but they work very well. I like the word giddy in there. I admit I had to look it up but it fits very well. really good poem. .
    | Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      anagrams are intresting when creative minds draw upon them.you convey sadness very well,and very boldly,i feel your loathing.my sympathies.this is a well written peice.i have the feeling you didnt have to work at this one to hard though.my only inquiry is about line #2.i think you are a natural writer when i look at this poem,but line #2 is a poorly thought out anagram,in my opinion.sincerly i mean no offence,maybe it has an abstract or hidden meaning that i am not hip to?otherwise this piece masterfully conveys your feelings(sadness)and puts it in this readers stomach!
    | Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      well how do I put this in my own wordsok this is short but to the point. some people smile, but behind the smile is false fake. this reminds me of a 70's song that says
    you always smile
    but in your eyes
    your sorrow shows
    yes it shows

    just thought i would share with you
    | Posted on 2004-08-07 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]


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