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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

One Day


Author: WriteSomething
Elite Ratio:    3.37 - 24 /23 /9
Words: 122
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1171
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 749



Description:



One Day


One day I will be very old,
carrying years like stones
in bent thin fingers,
and my hair will be
the color Moon, instead
of deep-shade muddy rivers,
and Pain will be my walking cane
and I will wake alone each morning
because of what I do each day
to push away the ones who love me.

Today I am the perfect age
independent, strong,
I will not marry.
I have no time to waste
on compromise, I like
my own decisions.
Each day I find too short to finish
what I think I must accomplish
but one day I fear I'll find
the time to feel
postponed regret.









Submitted on 2018-04-01 04:14:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  One day I will be very old,
carrying years like stones

I love this line. I love the whole first stanza.
The symbolism and the metaphors are spot on.

I don't know if the second stanza is needed. Or at least maybe it should be played with so that it, too is more metaphorical:

Today I am a live oak,
standing alone, strong,

something maybe along those lines.
Although maybe you are the stone or the river ???

Anyway, just some thoughts. I do very much enjoy your work.


| Posted on 2018-07-14 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
  The content of this piece is really good and expressing anguish. The regret is very obvious. Analogies used are great and make the reader comprehend the pain of postponed regret.
I would suggest to make it more rhythmic.
| Posted on 2018-05-12 00:00:00 | by Ramneet | [ Reply to This ]


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