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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Veildots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swimming Bird
    ASL Info:    31/m/AR
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 92/90/27
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 133
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 782



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Veildots
    -------------------------------------------


    The clouds are like a thin veil
    trying to obscure the moon.
    A wisp of a mist.
    Longingly
    Chokingly
    Hoping to hide the night from my eyes
    Afraid that I might become transfixed.
    But it is just a veil.
    Transparent
    Barely able to dull the beauty of what I see.
    Unable to cover the majesty of the scene before me.
    And so I stand in awe.
    Silent
    Motionless
    Helpless as this moment tears through me.
    My heart howls
    Trying to find a release
    Some way to cope with this image now burned into my soul
    As I stand there
    Statue still
    Unable to control the torrent raging inside me
    And no one there to witness
    But the moon
    Through a veil.




    Submitted on 2019-01-21 06:59:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hello, Mr. Swimming Bird.

    I love the idea of this. It has a soft, contemplative feel that is harmonious with images of the veiled moon.

    To tighten it up a little, I would suggest the removal of a few conjunctions such as 'a' and 'the.' These connecting words can bog down the flow where they are unnecessary.

    For a greater sense of immediacy and to remain true to the present tense, it may also help to rethink some of the words ending in -ing.

    Something else I have learned that has been helpful has been to take a look at which lines are capitalized and only capitalize lines after a full stop or which begin a new thought. This can be difficult when most computers auto capitalize each new line.

    Enjoyed reading this!

    Erin

    | Posted on 2019-02-04 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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