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    dots Submission Name: Of A Better Futuredots

    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 310/245/329
    Words: 43
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 646
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 269


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    dotsOf A Better Futuredots

    If to lose
    Were only my biggest reward
    And that is
    To watch so much more
    Love to be born

    And poems to be written
    And hearts to be filled
    With the blood of newborns
    And idealisms
    Of a better future.

    Submitted on 2019-02-13 20:58:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    I am confused by this.

    I'm pretty sure I know what you're trying to say, but your delivery makes it difficult to understand the message.

    While there is no need to elaborate so much that you take this out of the realm of the brevity poem, I do think some tweaking would clarify your point.

    Two opposite but equally effective devices in poetry are the metaphor; used in abstract and surreal poems to paint a picture that can be interpreted multiple ways; and the bald truth; zooming in on a concept with a microscope lens and delivering the punch as succinctly as possible.

    Employing one of these devices ensures your poem has not just a heart, but a purpose. My writing process is largely organic. I rarely know the point before I start, so the editing process has to be somewhat brutal.

    If to lose
    were only my biggest reward
    and that is
    to watch so much more love
    to be born

    Wait... you just said losing was your biggest reward, and then you jump to the reward being watching love be born. I'm assuming now that you mean losing one love means the promise of a future reward of finding another love, another chance.

    It makes me want to ask for clarification about what you lost. It makes me want you to say something about how losing the first love was painful but you could stand it only because you know that it opens you up to future possibilities.

    These first lines also read oddly in a grammatical sense, but how to alter and clarify while keeping the wistful tone?

    If I could find solace
    in losing you,
    if I could find a reward,
    it could only be
    to watch love born again,

    and poems to be written,
    and hearts to be filled
    with the blood of newborns
    and the ideals
    of a better future...

    Just some food for thought.



    | Posted on 2019-02-18 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

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